Mismatchin' in the USA

I'm doing THE MISMATCH GAME as Jessica Simpson this weekend. Dennis Hensley hosts this fun, funny, filthy show! Come SATURDAY 8pm or SUNDAY 7pm! Tickets $15. JUST SHOW UP and buy a ticket at the door - at the theater at the LA Gay & Lesbian Center.

The Gay & Lesbian Center is at 1125 N. McCadden above the tranny taco stand by Highland.
It used to be a hot wings stand but too many johns complained about their dates staining the seats with orange handprints.

You Guess/I Guess

I proudly am a student at Slimmons, the exercise studio run by the king of fitness herself, Richard Simmons. It's barely in Beverly Hills but I consider it my dose of class for the weekend. The class is cardio and toning and he'll call you right out if you're not up to par. Today, my friend Cristina didn't have her her up and richard told her right out "there's no money on the floor girl. HEAD UP." That was nicer that when he told a woman that he could twirl her tits up like a Cinnabun before putting them in a brassiere.
Today, as evidenced below, was his Halloween class.


Now here's the fun part!
Richard Simmons went as a __________ for Halloween this year.

Is it
A)Gay Stringbean
B)Court Jester
C)Mardi Gras Ass Hat
D) ____? (reply in comment section)

I loathe, I loathe, I loathe my Calendar Girl.

Jessica's back! She's the Frontiers inLA Calendar Girl for The Village Variety Pack show every other Monday @ The Village in Hollywood. Sure hookers leave assprints on cars there but the tickets are cheap enough that you can try out the local color afterwards.


Remember to get your tickets for The Mismatch Game (also available above on the Village link) Nov 7th & 8th. I'll Jessica'll see ya there!

My Letter to AnnaLynne (a.k.a Cutlet Shame!)

Sweetness,
Vamp though you may, you don't have the titties for that dress.

How do I know?
Well babe- I can tell that what's poking out.
It is a silicone cutlet. Oh the shame of an errant cutlet. I'm not advocating anything crazy like eating but maybe a few eLBee's will help ya fill it out on your own?
And listen. I've been in this business for like months longer than you so If you're gonna have inappropriate things sticking out in your photos, go all out (see below, dearheart)

Love Willam.

Profiles in Greatness: Popper Claus

Name: Popper Claus
Known Alias(es): Dirty Santa, Poppers the Clown, Cap'n Combover.


Popper Claus is a stripper's best friend/worst enemy. He tips but fails to remove his hand in a timely fashion, usually waiting for the dancer to assist, all while taking a gigantic whiff of poppers.

For you folks who don't know what 'poppers' are, it's an inhalant that heightens desires. Like if you want to make out with someone, you want to eat their face off; if you want to get fucked, you'll shove a floor lamp in yourself. Get it? Even if you still don't get it, knowing some of the brand names for this product are Jungle Juice or Greedy Pig kind of cements one's thoughts on it.

Popper Claus is a stealth individual, silently hunting for new boxmeat to prey upon. Newbies are slow to rebuff the rough amyl-nitrate burned hands from many years of spilled poppers. A permanent red mark on his lip from popper burn is covered by a scraggly beard and mustache. It's like poor people Retin-A. Chemicals scald, queens.
You can be certain a few empty bottles lie on his carmats. There's just enough room to wedge a driver in amongst all the trash (and yes-that is his actual car).

As much as this feels mocking in tone, I have to say that Poppers Claus is a barometer for cool in this town. He always goes where the hottest strippers are and I applaud him for not giving a shit that the beautiful, entitled crowd of WeHo shun his very presence. You know it's been a good night when his combover is sloppily sticking to his chin and his zipper is down for no good reason. So next time you're at a club, ssk the cashier to count out twenty $1 bills and Go On...let's your inner Popper Claus out to lurk.

On TV tonight!

I'm on the new Christian Slater show "The Forgotten" on ABC @ 10 tonight. I play the pivotal role of Drunk Guy. Better than Tranvestite #2 though right?

From Monday Sept 14th-Monday Sept21st, I've been in drag seven times. Had 6 auditions/callbacks, 3 shows and drove about 700 miles total. Up to Fresno, Long Beach twice.
The big heartbreak this week was not getting cast in a Cher/Christina Aguliera movie called Burlesque. They need a drag queen bouncer. I thought, "Perfect, I've been door-whorin' for years."
Turns out the director knows me even. But the part kept getting watered down. First it was a transvestite, then it turned into an Agnes Deyn/ androgynous Brit type; it finally ended with them wanting a male model kinda like Ziggy Stardust.
I mean seriously- It's a CHER movie. Put a fucking drag queen in it.

Things that go Bump Bump Bump

I just found my camera with some more pics from when I was doing reshoots for Ticked Off Trannies With Knives in Texas.

One thing about Texas queens- They can paint their faces to withstand 117 degree heat and a wig. So it's no shock that their nose contour stays on despite snorting copious amounts of cocaine (none of the girls in my movie but I saw lots while there ;)

Sometimes, after blowing a man dressed as Mr Peanut on Halloween in Dallas, a certain queen may lock Mr Peanut out (apres nut, at least) him out of a condo in just boxers and call the police on him. It's his fault for not bring enough beer for the afterparty.
In Dallas, you can't buy liquor after like 10pm so they have what's called boosters. They bring you shit when you need it. Dining room sets, Mattresses, boy hookers for Tyler Perry, beer, speed. I know the 8th Commandment say stealing is bad but they didn't have evil like Walmart when Moses steno'd that stuff down.

Also, sometimes after afterpartying a bit too much, you come up with brilliant ideas. Like flossing with your own hair or eating ice.

Benneton will be optioning this photo if they ever decide to do a hemp line. Puff puff and fuck it fell in the pool.

Speaking of pools. Y'know how you go underwater and then sometimes like blow you nose and fling snot? Gross but we all do it right?

Well after wearing blue eyeshadow and glitter for 3 days for continuity sake, you start to blow it of your nose. I guess the eyebone connected to the nose bone or some shit.