I'm a criminal mastermind.
I got in an actual throw down, fist fight today. I was sitting in the little ledge of the door well looking under the passenger seat of my car with the door ajar. Asshole (i don't know his name but i know he's from Arizona so we'll call him AA) wanted to park next to me. He whistled so I'd shut my door a bit so he could get in. There was plenty of room, mind you. I drive a 350 z and he had a little honda crap escort. So I sit back down to dig under the seat for the address of the Cingular Warranty Department, who I'm currently defrauding. So Arizona Asshole gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me." I get up again and move....cause it's not like he coulda walked around the other way. He comes back out in like 15 seconds and says, "Excuse me...Again." I get up again and move. I sit back down to dig more and he says, "Move your door. I don't want to hit it." I reply that there is plenty of room. "Move it," he repeats. I tell him to "You're fine." He says that he doesn't want to hit my car.
I finally stand up and pull the door in the unneccesary 2 inches....And I yell, "ASSHOLE....You couldn't have gone around the other way, could ya?"
Arizona Asshole gets out of his crap bucket, dropping his keys and sunglasses on the ground and gets up in my face and proceeds to scream at me like my mom used to yell at me in the grocery store for eating pudding with my fingers. I turn around to avoid confrontation and continue my conversation with the Cingular customer service rep. He backs away and calls me a "Priviledged piece of shit" as he's getting his stuff gathered up off the ground.
At that point, I stomp on his sunglasses like a child in a supermarket throwing a tantrum (after his mother yells at him for eating pudding with his fingers). So then he tries to swat my glasses off my face and I catch them mid-air before they can hit the ground (Thank God. They're Valentino) He smacks my hat off my head. I deck him (not a faggot slap, a closed hand punch) with a right . He chest butts me and basically says to back off. I counter with the classic FUCK YOU. Arizona Asshole starts yelling again and so I step foward and do my best Angelina Jolie in Girl Interupted "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!" He goes back to his car. If you see a white Ford Escort with the Arizona tag JGG-256, avoid him. He's got anger issues (but they don't come close to mine;)
So I finish my phone call with the Warranty Department (I'll make this story shorter). I ruined my phone when I threw up on it. It fell in a trashcan when I leaned over to vomit in it after drinking peach vodka. I tell Cingular it's not working ("who know's why?!?) and they send me a new one since I'm under warranty. I just have to send the old one back. Well I lose the old one somehow. So I call and say the new one they sent me doesn't work either. They say just to send it back and act like the warranty switch out never happened. I do that, but it leaves me without the phone so I buy the same phone I paid $599 for in January for $275. I loathe retail.
Anyway...lessons learned today..uhm..i guess don't drink peach vodka and don't wear designer eye-wear in street brawls.