I'm a criminal mastermind.

God. By noon today, I'd already engaged in assualt and fraud/petty theft.
I got in an actual throw down, fist fight today. I was sitting in the little ledge of the door well looking under the passenger seat of my car with the door ajar. Asshole (i don't know his name but i know he's from Arizona so we'll call him AA) wanted to park next to me. He whistled so I'd shut my door a bit so he could get in. There was plenty of room, mind you. I drive a 350 z and he had a little honda crap escort. So I sit back down to dig under the seat for the address of the Cingular Warranty Department, who I'm currently defrauding. So Arizona Asshole gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me." I get up again and move....cause it's not like he coulda walked around the other way. He comes back out in like 15 seconds and says, "Excuse me...Again." I get up again and move. I sit back down to dig more and he says, "Move your door. I don't want to hit it." I reply that there is plenty of room. "Move it," he repeats. I tell him to "You're fine." He says that he doesn't want to hit my car.
I finally stand up and pull the door in the unneccesary 2 inches....And I yell, "ASSHOLE....You couldn't have gone around the other way, could ya?"
Arizona Asshole gets out of his crap bucket, dropping his keys and sunglasses on the ground and gets up in my face and proceeds to scream at me like my mom used to yell at me in the grocery store for eating pudding with my fingers. I turn around to avoid confrontation and continue my conversation with the Cingular customer service rep. He backs away and calls me a "Priviledged piece of shit" as he's getting his stuff gathered up off the ground.
At that point, I stomp on his sunglasses like a child in a supermarket throwing a tantrum (after his mother yells at him for eating pudding with his fingers). So then he tries to swat my glasses off my face and I catch them mid-air before they can hit the ground (Thank God. They're Valentino) He smacks my hat off my head. I deck him (not a faggot slap, a closed hand punch) with a right . He chest butts me and basically says to back off. I counter with the classic FUCK YOU. Arizona Asshole starts yelling again and so I step foward and do my best Angelina Jolie in Girl Interupted "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!" He goes back to his car. If you see a white Ford Escort with the Arizona tag JGG-256, avoid him. He's got anger issues (but they don't come close to mine;)
So I finish my phone call with the Warranty Department (I'll make this story shorter). I ruined my phone when I threw up on it. It fell in a trashcan when I leaned over to vomit in it after drinking peach vodka. I tell Cingular it's not working ("who know's why?!?) and they send me a new one since I'm under warranty. I just have to send the old one back. Well I lose the old one somehow. So I call and say the new one they sent me doesn't work either. They say just to send it back and act like the warranty switch out never happened. I do that, but it leaves me without the phone so I buy the same phone I paid $599 for in January for $275. I loathe retail.
Anyway...lessons learned today..uhm..i guess don't drink peach vodka and don't wear designer eye-wear in street brawls.

Long Duck Dong (16 Candles), Neme-sissy (Will & Grace) and Penelope (The Ladies of Gay Gardens). For once I played a character that doesn't look like she belongs working that hooker corner on Santa Monica Blvd by the Taco Shack with a "C" grade from the board of health. 

What to do now

So I just wrapped my last day on The Ladies of Gay Gardens. For once, I came off set and my jaw hurt from laughing instead of getting too friendly with the hunky lighting dude.
Not that it was all enjoyable. I put on a corset that made my 30 inch waist into a 24 inch circumfrence. I know what you're thinking....Take the damn thing off when you're not shooting. Well guess what? When I put this Bob Mackie corset from the 80's on, the front started to shred from all the little holes from the rhinestones. So if I took it off and then tried to refasten it, the whole thing would have gone from a half a centimeter hole to a huge tranny mess. So I dealt with shortness of breath the whole day, all while improving my ass off.
On the upside, I had the best time on set ever. Sam Pancake played my housemate Raven and it's clear why every comedy on TV now (Will & Grace, Arrested Development, Fat Actress, ect...) has utilized him. He actually got a series regular role on a show I auditioned for this pilot season that just got picked up by Fox called Kitchen Confidential. I hope he doesn't read this. He's like seriously my new idol. Gedde Wattanabe from Sixteen Candles played a stroked out, constantly snacking acting coach. I've seriously never seen a better deadpan.
I guess we'll see what happens with this one.
Oh...i'd like to break from my musings to say hi to all the "girls" at that club in Cleveland for reading my blog and the fanmail.
Your's was the only e-mail I've ever printed out. Well other than the one from my old Algebra teacher telling me she read in her online Christian Newsletter that my character in American Wedding was deemed "unfit."

To my left is Marta Kauffman (creator of Friends...very, very rich). To my right is Liz Tuccillo (best-seller author, former Sex and the City scribe...also rich) Which leaves me in the middle......very, very happy to be playing a whore again for them. 

The Comedy Gods have smiled upon me.

So NBC announced My Name is Earl will air on Tuesdays @ 9pm this fall. Also, Related (formerly known as The untitled Marta Kauffman/Liz Tuccillo Project) is also picked up by the WB for the fall.
In other related news, I'd like to invite Dragon Talent to "suck it" for dropping me even though I'm queen of the fuckin world!

BUSHWHACKIN

I just want to take the time to thank my boyfriend for discovering the joys of the electric trimmer.
It's much more fun to suck dick now that I dont' feel like a burying my face into a novelty clown wig.
....and if you're reading this "HI MOM!"

Tranny 911

I was watching a special edition of Cops this afternoon (read: I don't work) and saw something i was shocked about. The full title of the show was COPS: Bad Girls.
They were considerate enough to include a wayward tranny just doing her daytime hooker thing. Unfortunately, when she altered her cut-offs from Daisy Duke-at-the-supermarket to Daisy Duke-working-the-loading-dock length, she neglected to think that her crack pipe might show out of the bottom of her pocket.
Not all trannies are dumb though. Whenever I'm not sure about what to do, I think of Bijoux Deluxe. Whenever there's a problem- figuring out whether to wear the gucci or pucci, whether to put money in the collection plate or do lines off of it- I think to myself, "What would the Beej do?" So I make a hot pocket ( I throw it in my purse for later), walk up to CBS Radford and try to to crash the America's Next Top Model casting using my sister's old I.D. Then I do what Bijoux would do....eat the hot pocket, throw it up in my purse and pop a mentos. Then I think twice and spit it out. Bijoux would eat a tic tac.

It's Less caloric.