So I went to my best friend's new apartment today. He asked if I wanted to see the upstairs and where the bedrooms were. I told him I already knew what empty douche bottles and bong water carpet looked like...My kinda housewarming.
I'm all done with Nip/Tuck for now. It was amazing. I'm doing my rock musical now and it's going to either transfer to Vegas or NYC. I'll be blogging a gogo. Adventures from abroad....or from away i guess.
I want to go see March of the Penguins. Is that wrong? Y'know how bad mothers put on Cartoon Network so they can fuck the kid's Uncle of the Week? I put on Animal Planet when I go out for my dog to watch. But I always end up staying for like 10 minutes watching and it makes me late.
My agent called me today to let me know that Marta Kauffman/Liz Tuccilo's new show Related needs me to re-film all my scenes because they fired Laura San Giacomo. So since I'm not working right now I figured it would be a good time to figure out how much I'm being paid to say 14 words. It averages out to $200 a word and that's before repeats and all that shit. Actors get paid a lot of money but y'know what? We're miserable most of the time because of dieting and rejection. Seriously. Just having the will alone to not slap someone is a trial for me. Two days ago, had you seen how a choreographer spoke to me, you woulda thought you were watching a TLC show on 3rd grade retards....with cleft palates. Seriously. I've seen down syndrome community theater shows. If they can get "step-touch," so can I.
But the show opened and all is fabulous in this actor's world for now. Despite the fact that this entry is rated D for continuity and most likely I jacked up some spelling too.

sex

I haven't had sex for like 2 weeks. I've been filming, rehearsing, getting my hair weaved, walking my dog, sleeping 4.5 hours a night, and then trying to force contacts into eyes that won't focus. After I do all that, I go and slave in a nightclub for like 5 hours half the week.
I am horny. Don't get me wrong...and I look fuckin great. Since June 29th, when I got Nip/Tuck, I went from 167 lbs to 155 lbs. My skin is like blemish free from all the La Mer they've been slathering on me on the set; and although bruises are a turn off (i have stunts), I'm shaved smooth like a 12 yr old boy so the boyfriend likes that (he's into that twink thing). I'm constantly hungry. Dick isn't an approved protien on the South Beach plan anyway. I checked... And I'm just way too tired to fuck, too. I'm such a bad faggot. Some people say they have a headache when they don't want to have sex. I'll be upfront. I'M TOO LAZY TO DOUCHE THIS WEEK! not gonna happen boyfriend. throw on the porn.

m.i.a.

It's been a while.
Sorry. I've been busy rehearsing for an awesome rock musical I'm in a workshop for (My one whoa-man show with Betsy Ross and Tawny Kataen didn't pan out for this year so I took this job). Y'now how Mamma Mia took ABBA songs and made a musical. Well this is like Journey, R.E.O. Speedwagon, Poison, Benetar, and all the other 80's luminaries with a story backed by the Sunset Strip in the 80's. If anyone wants to come, let me know. Tickets are free because it's a workshop for backers.
I shot my first day of Nip/Tuck this week too. I have to go back a few times next week so I'm looking forward to that too. I had no idea what hard work was until now.

When I'm done with everything I'm going to have a L'il Kim goes to jail party. We'll watch her videos, pour Cristal on our breasts and then shove nail files up our coochies for later use.
I'm gonna miss her little stankbox.

I'll take the body dysmorphia with a side of Laxative.

Y'know all the dizzy spells from hunger make me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Like I can actually feel myself getting thinner.
I think I'm gonna go tanning again though. I'm envisioning myself a lovely shade of Tang now that I'm blonder.

After this year, no more work for me. I'm just gonna be a Fanta Girl. They never work. Just jet ski and drink soda.

Acting (for the extremely shallow) 101

You won't find me in Meisner class. Nor a Stanyslaski seminar. In fact, I probably spelled one or both of those esteemed acting coaches' names wrong.

When I did Hedwig, I had conflicts with the character. So instead of researching my craft, I just made sure I was really tan and thin. Variety said I was a bad actor but had the "looks of a rock star." I consider it a good review;)

Now with Nip/Tuck and Rock of Ages (a new b'way bound rock musical) looming in the near future, I'm doing the same thing. But I've gotten a lot smarter. Tanning is bad. Cancer and all. So to make up for it, I dyed my hair blonder and am just gonna make sure it's really big and gang bangy.

I'm still obsessed with being thin though. TV cameras really make you look fat. So I'm doing hard-core Atkin's. But oh no. When I want something, I go all the way. No pussy Atkin's bars or low carb food. I haven't eaten anything with over 5 carbohydrates in a week! The only things I've eaten in the past week are spinach, eggs, chicken and turkey bacon (meanwhile brown is the color of the day). But before you go off on me, I'm also taking vitamins. Crush up some Flintstones kids, mix it with some Diet Red Bull and BLAM...you got healthy crank with a kick!

Someone saw me walking into a club yesterday and said, "You look thin. Are you sick?"

I couldn't decide whether to say "No" or "Thank you" first. Take a guess which one I went with.

Acting (for the extremely shallow) 101

You won't find me in Meisner class. Nor a Stanyslaski seminar. In fact, I probably spelled one or both of those esteemed acting coaches' names wrong.

When I did Hedwig, I had conflicts with the character. So instead of researching my craft, I just made sure I was really tan and thin. Variety said I was a bad actor but had the "looks of a rock star." I consider it a good review;)

Now with Nip/Tuck and Rock of Ages (a new b'way bound rock musical) looming in the near future, I'm doing the same thing. But I've gotten a lot smarter. Tanning is bad. Cancer and all. So to make up for it, I dyed my hair blonder and am just gonna make sure it's really big and gang bangy.

I'm still obsessed with being thin though. TV cameras really make you look fat. So I'm doing hard-core Atkin's. But oh no. When I want something, I go all the way. No pussy Atkin's bars or low carb food. I haven't eaten anything with over 5 carbohydrates in a week! The only things I've eaten in the past week are spinach, eggs, chicken and turkey bacon (meanwhile brown is the color of the day). But before you go off on me, I'm also taking vitamins. Crush up some Flintstones kids, mix it with some Diet Red Bull and BLAM...you got healthy crank with a kick!

Someone saw me walking into a club yesterday and said, "You look thin. Are you sick?"

I couldn't decide whether to say "No" or "Thank you" first. Take a guess which one I went with.

Speak up Homo!

I spoke with two different guys today that were both so needlessly insecure.
One was telling me about how he hooked up with someone off of a known cruise site and then then couldn't tell if the other guy was into him or not. I mean you can tell your parents that you met on Match.com but telling them you met on Manhunt.net would be totally different. They went to a movie with plans for lunch afterwards. First of all, Manhunt.net should not be used to set up social activities that include restaurants unless that said activity includes watersports in the alley behind the restaurant. But first they went to see a movie. Batman. Good choice. But he made an interesting choice (casting directors never say bad...they say interesting). He cried because he identified with Batman's inner struggle or something. So there; second mistake. Nothing says "Big Hot Top" like crying at Batman. So the guy after the movie all of sudden had to go home and do dishes. Lunch was off. He dropped off my friend at home and said, "it was nice meeting you" w/ a hug.
When I spoke to him, he was like tripping (not like major but enough to funny) about whether the guy liked him or not. I asked him why he didn't just ask him right out "Are you into me?"
I mean my friend is hot. I'd kill to look like him. There's no good reason to be insecure about finding out whether there's a spark only because it's like not appropriate to put someone on the spot.
I say fuck convention. Here's a test kids. You're sitting in a car, wondering how the date is gonna end. You've said goodbye, but still you're not sure. You should get out, flip your hair over and work your little moneyhole right up onto their windshield while doing your best Tawny Kataen on their carhood.*** Wink as you leave over your shoulder and if they call, they call. No sweat. They might think it's sexy, and if not, hopefully they'll think you're just into making people laugh.


***this test is not recommended for heterosexual men. You run the risk of looking like a gyrating, ass-jockey. floozy, faggot. That is all.

Class reunions

I'm out of high school 5 years as of three days ago.
Is there a reunion for that period or no?
Anyway short story before I play barbeque barbie.
Everyone in my last period class on the last day of school passed around their yearbooks so we all could sign each others.
I went home to read them all and someone wrote under my picture "THAR HE BLOWS."
I knew I should be insulted. The only problem was I didn't know if they were making fun of me being fat (I was), my oral sex proclivities, or both.
HAPPY 4th again, kids.

...and one more for the road.

So it's the 4th of July weekend and I want to teach you a little trick I learned from my sister.
Drink a lot then drive to a club.
But drive really fast.
It makes sense. Listen for like one sec.
Drinks at a bar are expensive. So before you leave the house, slam like 3 drinks. Drive to the club. If the club is like 10 minutes away, you'll still be fine. It's not really drunk driving yet is it?
Booze totally needs like 15 minutes to kick in.
Next week we can talk about how my dumb-ass, baby ditchin' sister committed insurance fraud on the Sabbath.
Happy 4th, kids.

tranny chasers i know you. i know what you wanna do (and you won't with me)

I HATE TRANNY CHASERS!
When I worked Good Morning Miami (a misguided show at best), I was living about a minute from the studio. So on my lunch break, I took some extras back to my place to get drunk.
This one hot Cuban dude wanted to use the bathroom so I showed him where it was and continued the 3 steps from the bathroom into my room. He didn't even shut the door. When he was done, he came into my room and started feeling on me. Like straight out of a Cinemax movie. No talking, just came up behind me like I was a soft-core starlet. I reached behind him to play with his dick a bit and then I turned around and started to take of my corset.

Oh yea. I was in drag all this time.
So he blurts out, "No, leave it on."
I tell him, "No, I'm not into that."
He says (with dick in full slap happy mode), "But I am."
I say the next thing slowly so I won't have to repeat it to him.
"I'm not into the fact that you're into me because I'm in drag. I think you should go back to CBS now."
He didn't seem mad. I walk him to the door and in doing so, I pass by the like 3 other drag queens and extras in my living room drinking and smoking pot. I'm about to say no-hard-feelings and shit when he turns around and says the following romantic tidbit
"Do you see people for money?"
I was floored. The bitches on the couch choked on their smoke.
I just shut the door. No witty comment.
Two seconds later, my door swings open and i'm thinking hell no.
But it's my straight girl from philly roommate.
She heard it all and was disturbed. She thought I was like doing some sex show for the other kids and acted like she was convinced otherwise when I tried to explain it to her.
But she moved back to Philly the next week (6 days later). I think I was the final straw for her.