Stuck on Me! (this is not about my sweaty underwear or false lashes)

It's hot out, I have no car, and my boyfriend is sick.
translation: I'm so not about sweating, I'm so not about walking, and I'm so horny.
Career-wise, things look bright. I haven't auditioned for anything in over a month. But with all the upcoming shows I'm on and the show I'm gonna be in, I expect my agent will literally get tons of calls (in this story, "tons" means 3 or at least 2). But I'm still bored.
So first I try the gossip route. I call everyone in my phone...try and find dirt on jobs, people, gardening tips. You know, very HGTV (Home & Garden Tranvestite). Here's my dish so far...My cousin did Nelly Furtado and The Black Eyed Pea's hair for the VMA's in Miami. All were really cute and nice. Fergie's skin is shit from a meth habit that plagued her for years and it's also seeming like she sleeps in a tanning bed. Ms. Furtado was really nice. I just hope that my cousin didn't get too close for fear of getting "hazbeen" all over her.
Also, this tranny I know told that when he was boyfriends (OK...trick partners. Party & Play, Meth & Mangina...you get it?) with Charlie Sheen's ex publicist, the publicist would tell him all this dirt on the couple. The best tidbit was that Denise Richards originally met Sheen through Ms. Fliess. Yup! Denise was a Heidi girl. Not shocked. Actresses need to get their implants somehow.
Oh yea. Ya want to know how desperate I was for anything to do other than envy the assholes on the Gap commercials? I DID EXTRA WORK .
It was Freddie Prinze, Jr's new show entitled Freddie. I've seen better actresses in shampoo commercials. Man couldn't find the punchline if it snuck up on him and assfucked him. Speaking of asses, one of the other extras was talking out of hers, saying, "He's a movie star and he's doing a tv show so it's soooo gonna be successful." I said to this bitch, "Name 10 movies he's been in." I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scooby Doo 1, Scooby Doo 2...

I said, "Stop. Scooby Don't, Bitch." Brian Austin Green was there too. Tip for your next project, Freddie...Don't let the side kick be hotter than you. B.A.Green was looking fine. He was in thigh highs dressed as Dr. Frank-n-Furter and he was sporting a hot little snatch pie. Just yummy. Freddie's gained weight too so that did not help his cause. Not enough weight to were I wouldn't blow him but enough weight to make me not swallow and like finish him off with a handjob.

OK. I'm gonna go Google myself. "Google" means masturbate right?

Old People and their disapproving fuckin eyes.

I'm so bored lately. It's the calm before the storm with all these TV appearances fast approaching. Whenever I'm on TV, I get a bunch of auditions from people who've seen me. That sometimes leads to another job but mostly it just leads to another "we'll call when we need someone like you." Which I'm totally fine with by the way. But that leaves me with a lot of free time for the rest of the month.
I've been eating like a gastric bypass patient...i'm sorry. I should say potential gastric bypass patient. Weight Watchers cakes, more alfredo sauce and now CPK pizzas. Last week, I went to Costco for a case of water. I came out with beef jerky, Trail mix, and bagel bites. I spent over an hour there. I ate like 20 different samples. Who the fuck do those uppity old ladies think they are raising their fuckin penciled-in eyebrows at me and saying "Second round?" Fuck those old bitches.
I WILL KICK THEM IN THEIR CUNTS! I swear it. I condone violence. Especially against the elderly since they'll probably forget about it the next day. Back to the eyebrows though. I don't know if it was the shakes that did them in or if they nipped into the cooking sherry before their afternoon shifts. But I've seen drunk trannies get in fights, and paint on new eyebrows without a mirror while still on the street outside of the Kinko's on Vine.*** So there's no excuse for them not to draw on a flawless brow. They could even buy a stencil if they needed. I was so mad @ those nasty old whole-saling bitches that I forgot to get the one thing I needed. So no case of water for me. Oh well. And then I start eating the trail mix in the car and realize that it's got peanuts (i'm allergic big time). That's God telling me I'm fat and I shouldn't be eating. I think he also doesn't love the fact that I'm mean to the elderly. But fuck that. You know what the assholes who tripped you on the playground grew up to be? They're the assholes who cut you off on the freeway. And then they turn into the old asshole who acts like he didn't know you were in line because you just assume they senile. I say get the fuck out my way, ya pious AARP fuck. Take a number you old fuck.
Love you grandmom and grandpop. Glad the biopsy was negative for scaumos cells;)



*** (true story. 3 trannies on the steps. homeless man with cart. words exchanged. mug of liquid thrown in face. his cart knocked over, along with an LA Express stand and then finally fisticuffs. Trannies won, the homeless man moved on. Tranny #3, who didn't even get up but got splashed with a whole cup of something, perfectly repainted her brows like she was as a Chanel counter)

So I go to these classes to meet casting directors and basically pay to meet them. It's expensive but worth it. I signed up for one early July and then auditioned for him and got a part. Unfortunately, I forgot to cancel the workshop I signed up for with him. So I'm out $40. But the class was fun. Some haggard looking girl showed up and the CD (Castin Director) told her she looked nothing like her picture (she didn't). She looked like 20 in her pic and in person, she looked like 29. Her headshot was way too photoshopped and just like dolled up. Her excuse was that she's babysitting three children right now and that she was tired. That would be totally believable if the other people in the class were to believe that the children were actually gang banging her. Her hair was jacked up. It looked like she brushed it with a dick. Then she took that same penis and smeared it on her undereye bags to highlight them. I felt bad for her but the CD was so right. Some people just need their kittens drowned in the bathtub. Dreams should be just that......Dreams

well...for ugly people anyway.

unorderly eating disorders

So now that I'm done filming all the shows and not performing for at least a week, I'm taking some time to do something I rarely get to do. EAT.
I've had a box of Weight Watchers carrot cakes, a block of low fat swiss cheese, fruit cocktail from a can, pasta and a jar of alfredo sauce. The worst thing is I didn't eat the jar of alfredo sauce with the pasta. I was eating handfuls of Raisinettes while alternating with chunks of a blueberry scone dipped in alfredo sauce.
I want to be on that new show Starved. It really makes bulimia relatable.

doesn't this just look like a good time? 

Rocked the Lot
(this is the title for the below entry which i forgot to enter. It references both the dominion of rock and roll and studio back lots, both of which i had the pleasure of slinging my tight, shaved ass upon)

So i've had like 8 hours of sleep so far this week and it's Wednesday morning. Sunday night, I worked until 2, got home @ 3 and had to get up @ 5 to be @ Warner Brothers @ 6.
It was fucking grueling but I gobbled down a diet pill and was pep pep peppy. I literally skipped to the set. It was really fun but sorta weird to do in heels. By the way, this is the show ("Related") that Jazzmun and I did in April but when I got a copy of the pilot, I was sadly cut. So was crackwhore Jazzmun.
But they re-wrote the script and I had to re-shoot my scenes....without crackwhore Jazzmun prostitute #2 (let's just call her the crackwhore for the rest of this entry). When I got to the set, I realized that my character was no longer a hooker, but just a happy-go-lucky tranny in therapy. What a step forward for rights. I'm glad it portrays transgenders in a better light (most likely pink with a soft gauze). One of the sisters plays my therapist now instead of my lawyer and she was a joy to work with as was all the other comedy pros. I'm going to be going back to the show too from what the one lead actress told me.
So after I wrapped up that @ noon, I drove to Hollywood to the club where Rock of Ages was playing it's final financial backer shows. We proceeded to rehearse. Rehearsal got on my nerves so much, I proceeded to smoke. And I never smoke. Well like barely. Only when I'm drunk or need an excuse to talk to hot men. So we did the show. It was fine. I proceeded to drink. I started the second show drunk and fabulous with the words "Free Pussy" and an arrow pointing to my crotch. I told the audience that it was free but it required a lot of upkeep so tipping was encouraged. That show went fabulous. I proceeded to get the drunkest I've ever been on a Monday with my posses of poser rocker show mates (No real rocker would do theater; cough cough Sebastian Bach) . It was stellar. My girl Seana rocked Highway to Hell like nobody 'cept CBGB's business. I kept hitting on this one boy and I knew I was getting no where but I kept going because it was just nothing but a good time. At one point, I had two options. Passing out or sucking dick. Instead I just drank some more and sang Grease badly with some of the coolest producers I've ever had. One of them gave me the liberty to warm up the audience so I gave a lap dance to Lisa Loeb and made husbands take pictures of me with their wives in girl-on-semigirl situations.
So this show will be going somewhere. Some say Broadway, some say Vegas. I personally hope for Vegas. I just think this cast would be the best drunk ass, nickle-slotting bitches that a boy (or transgendered individual) could hope for.

drunk by noon. makes me miss grandma

I had a music rehearsal for Rock of Ages today. We have our last two shows for backers monday. My like little girlfriend and cigarette buddy Seana is playing the lead girl now. I feel like I'm back in high school all fat and my best friend got nominated for homecoming queen. I'm seriously so excited for her. I might've peed a little.

Myboyfriend borrowed my car today so I took the Metro. Now LA public transportation is different from NYC. I got on the escalator and some Asian lady (wearing knee socks and sandals) started talking to me....and this not being NYC, people don't know that you move on the left and stay stationary on the right. So I'm trapped with Little Chang Talk-a-lot. She says, "Buddha has smile on his face because he vegetarian." I stare blankly and say, "So." She says I'd be happier without meat (how she nows whether I eat meat I have no clue). I proceed to fully turn around and tell her that I get plenty of the meat I need from my boyfriend and that people like her ruin other people's otherwise peaceful commute. I don't think she understood because she just said back, "Smile!"

So I called her a freak on the subway platform and told her to, "Get the fuck away from me" and tagging it with an additional "You fuckin freak."

A subway cop was there and looked at me like he was gonna say something but I just put up my hand like I was Mariah Carey at the end of a riff and said, "It's too fuckin hot for these assholes."

He chuckled. Usually, I would take that as a sign I should continue talking to him and maybe fellate him behind the subway map but my cold sore prevents me from being that friendly at this juncture of my day.

Make me go 'round.

Y'know what my favorite album was when I was a kid? Anne Murray's Classic Christmas. It's just her smooth voice made me think the holidays would be happy when really I knew I'd just make my mom mad for breaking some of her ugly ass china. I actually broke a gravy boat on purpose by drop kicking it on some tile because she let my grandfather call me a sissy and yelled at me when I called him a lush. I was quite advanced. Most 12 year olds woulda said "Drunk" but I pull out some Barbara Stanwyck-y work like "Lush."

I also liked The Bodyguard soundtrack. I would put a visor on my head upside down and pretend I Had the Stuff that He (Kevin Costner but only cuter in my head) Want(ed). Why did Whitney sit down and get her hair done in that movie by the way? It's not like it was hers. Couldn't she have just propped it on a banister and have Kev Kev drop it off @ Miss Ellen's Hollywood Hair to get coiffed up. Maybe that's why her sister wanted to off her. Wasting her time on that polyester mess.

I discovered the Carpenters too by watching a TV Movie about them. I immediately downloaded all their stuff in like 99. But then I saw Karent pics and realized that Cynthia Gibb was way too fat to play karen carpentar. Bitch shoulda been taken water pills for a few more months to get that gaunt-just-past-fabulous look down pat.
But back to Miss Fat Ass. How in the fuck did she throw up so much and keep her voice?
I gorge myself and feel bad enough to throw up Top Ramen and then I sound like fucking Bonnie Tyler for a week. Bright Eyes, my ass...I burst a blood vessel in my cornea from upchucking so hard. Note to Bulimia Fans....dont' do pizza. It's a one way food. Just in. Not out. Throwing up Pizza is like trying to back into the Lincoln Tunnel on Memorial Day.

Blaaeegh!