See here's the thing...

All you Nip/Tuck conspiracy theorists who think MATT didn't cut CHERRY PECK's pecker off, I'd like to show you a little snap shot that someone from the crew just emailed me (notice the bloody gams). Not exactly a Christmas card, but maybe i can photoshop some ears on myself and it'll make for the worst Groundhog's Day card ever.

fresh meat.

So I've been getting a lot of Nip/Tuck traffic on my site. I welcome it. Everyone has been so complimentary. One or two wasn't (hey asshole...i know i have a big forehead. it's actually a sixandhalfhead)
So take this as a lesson to any person who's ever labored over theatrical studies or wondering if their Checkov monologue will help them in the real world...
There are no small roles, only underpublicized actors...

That was said to me by a drunk publicist before I made out with her. Yes I said her. I was drunk too. Which leads me to a story.

I was drunk (shocker) and I leaned over a candle this week. I burned off a bunch of hair on one side. I went from Elizabeth Berkley to SJP after she and Aiden broke up the 2nd time. My friend was all worried but it's not like I needed skin grafts. You say burn victim, I say instant layers.

like donna martin on a bender

EPILOGUE

(GUNSHOT!!!)
Cherry: Hey Matt
Matt: Yea Cher Cher?
Cherry: Will you drop me at the free clinic? I sprained my taint and I think I need a band-aid and some detangler.
Matt: Sure. But if we go to Rite-Aid, we can grab some Shout Wipes so we can get all this Nazi blood off of us.
(CHERRY GRIMACES)
Matt: What's wrong Cher?
Cherry: I got some dirt in my special new lady parts. It's like i'm at the beach but there's nary a boogie board in sight.
Matt: I'm sorry for putting shovels of dirt on you (and your gorgeous face you alluring transgendered gem)
Cherry: It's ok. I really thought you were gonna whack him with the shovel. A woman's work is never done.
Matt: Just because you don't have a dick doesn't make you a woman.
Cherry: Bitch just cause I don't have a dick no more, does not mean I can't pee on you again.
Matt: Sorry Cherry. You're right.
Cherry: Let's get a $6 Carl's Junior burger.
Matt: OK. But I left my wallet in the basement that we got tortured in. Hey Cherry... Since when are there basements in Florida?
Cherry: I'm pretty, not smart. Where's my burger?

I'll be lining hamster cages next week

i'm in Star Magazine this week. Go pick it up...or search on Ebay for one of the copies i'm selling autographed and scented with mangina juice.

Holiday Recipes

Rachel Ray wouldn't approve but here goes.
I worked an event for my mogul friend Jeffrey Epstein (http://www.queensinthekingdom.com/) and he managed to get Tylenol PM to be the main sponsor for our Gay DisneyLand weekend. People found it strange that we provided the lovely Diophenhydramine-laced tic tacs in a cocktail setting. I joked that we rimmed their glasses with pilled up sugar. Sponsers on hand found that unfunny. I found them ugly so at least we agreed to disagree.
On a kick (or a liquor-feuled binge depending on how you lookie), I crushed up a vanilla-coated tablet in shot glass with the business end of a Sharpie and poured in some complimentary coconut rum. I said a little prayer and then downed my concoction. I remember getting back to my room after doing two more of these Malibu medicine balls and not knowing whether I should sleep or solicit.

Anyway. This afternoon around 4 pm I did one of these suckers. I had a dream that I was the entertainment at a celebrity studded cocktail party that had guests like Craig T Nelson and Jared from Subway. Anyway. Lorna and I were dueting a lovely rendition of "Baby It's Cold Outside" and who should bust in out of tune and out of her dress but Liza. I tried to keep going just smiling it off and Ms. Luft made an effort too but then Minneli's whole boob was being waved around. She found a pill in the fold of her boobfat, stared at it wondering what it was, shrugged it off in confusion and then downed it. At this point, Lorna couldn't be contained and started to claw at her sister and club her with an eggnog ladle. Liza, meantime, wriggled outta her Halston and branded a knife from her garter belt at her little step Garland and I politely exited stage right. Then I started a conversation with Woody Allen and we discussed whether Brad Pitt was a good actor or not. I wish I could make it end better but that's how my dreams always go. They dwindle off.

And you know what that means. Where's my Sharpie?

Carve this, muthafunkah

I've meant to blog so many times this week but I've been sick and rehearsing my ass off and shooting jobs and it was just too much on me. Now I know how Madonna felt when she had to turn down the Vice Presidency because she was pregnant with Evita's trainers baby and dying and such.
I've gotten over 50 emails and messages on myspace asking about Nip/Tuck and the identity of the Carver. Well here it is. The carver is Annie. As 8 yr olds come, she's the worst. She's sharpened her My Little Pony hoof into a shank and starting slicing people when she was 5. Her 1st grade teacher summed it up well. Instead of the gentler "does not work well with others," she wrote "Cunt with knives." Just kidding. You'll see who it is when you watch on Tuesday. It could be me...

I made two new friends. They're blogging/gogo stars in NYC who write all about their adult adventures. Hunter (http://www.notthatboy.blogspot.com) & Damon (http://nakedcityboys.blogspot.com) have wonderful entries that keep their readings alternating between giggles and what-the-fucks. We've actually bonded about Nip/Tuck when one of them wanted to know if i was the Carver. Damon mentioned that he knows some trannies can get violent quoting a the old wive's tale of Flawless Sabrina. Flawless Sabrina, a legend in NYC, was once SHOT by another queen after the Miss Fire Island 1967 pageant. She doesn't go to Fire island anymore. ;) I in turn schooled him on a tranny I knew who turned herself in on a warrant and went to jail with tiny blades under her nails so she could protect herself when she went in. S/he also slept with her colored contacts in her mouth so they wouldn't dry out. It was only two months. Her name was Pepper. She used to call me "lil Salt motherfucker."
So maybe I am the Carver....
Duh Duh Duuuuh....

I InTouch Myself

You want to get InTouch Weekly this week. Jessica Simpson is on the outside but everyone knows that what's inside really matters
(p.s. i'm on the inside. They named me best lookalike for the Desperate Housewives event. They ran my picture with Nicolette's...or i guess Nicolette's pic with me. Age before beauty darlings)

Boo Hoo Boonifah

My hip-hop hoochies are in dire straights.
First, L'il Kim gets sent up the river. By now, she's been behind bars for 4 months. That means her roots have grown out, her acrylics will all but be stubs and those nice blue contacts would have dried out (not to mention there's an utter lack of pastie selection at the prison commissary). She's probably making do by weaving her hair with drain clogs or mop string but it still must be hellacious.
Then I read today that Foxy Brown and her musty ill na na nah is on trial for assaulting her nail ladies...on two separate occasions...and she's DEAF. Apparently she lost her hearing somehow
I hope Foxy keeps rapping. It would be very Wild-Hearts-Can't-Be-Broken of her. Just like a blind girl jumping off a tower on a horsey into a pool, I hope Foxy Brown will come to inspire generations by by still rapping about her nasty money-hoe'd stankbox.
At this rate, Eve is gonna get hepatitis from Da Brat's dirty masacra wand

Parable proved wrong...

Whoever said you could never make a hoe a housewife obviously has never met me or Ms. Sheridan. I performed with Marc Cherry and some other drag luminaries like Coco Peru. It was wonderful. I'd like to thank everyone at the show, especially the nice production assistant who brought me a roll of duct tape so my onesie showed a perfect camel toe, instead of a more masculine camel..uhm...hoof.

Whirlwind Willam

An agent who doesn't represent me got me called into an audition for a new Diane Keaton/Mandy Moore movie after recommending me to the casting director even though he didn't sign me when given the oppourtunity (3x he passed. He said that I wouldn't make him the kinda "money that could buy him a house.")
Long story short (or should i say boring long story standable?) I get the job. I film my scene with Ms Keaton this wednesday/thursday. So help me if that bitch gets all Annie Hall on me.

One stipulation: They told my agent I came in looking "flawless." "Legs for days" & "every hair in place." The movie people wanted to know if I would be OK with not being so "put together." They told me they wanted me really scruffy.
I agreed knowing full well they meant "f-ugly". Drag queen as a site gag...When will the lambs stop crying.

I found out while I was getting my roots done @ the Ric Pepino Salon (Heidi Klum's hubby pre-Seal) by my colorist cousin Nicole. My trip was cut short though due to a party that I just had to get my ass to in LA (The wrap party for Nip/Tuck). I actually talked to Kelly Carlson, the Miss Kimber lady on the show. She's stunning. My family is obsessed with Ms. Kimber back in Philly. No one asked me about what I did on the show when I visited them last week. They just asked about Kimber...and if Kimber was nice...and if Kimber had big boobs...and if I knew how to actually buy a Kimber doll.
Please tell me i matter. fuck...
This is Nicole. The girl version of me. Same chin. Same eyes. Lot more vag though.