My stenographer is a alcoholic.
(here's excerpts from a conversation I've had with a former co-worker from my gogo days in LA clubs who's now a porn star/gogo dancer who travels the globe)
him: hey :)
NoExtra i: hey! how are you?
him: i'm good, you?
NoExtra i: i'm wearing a Mila Kunis dress as we speak
him: you stole her clothes?
NoExtra i: no better. That 70's show's casting director is a buddy of mine and he invited me to the wardrobe sale since the show is over
him: he invited you? that sounds sooo casting couch.
NoExtra i: No. that only happens to dumb girls with background credits as co-star gigs. gay men aren't into it plus he's way too cool for me. but anyway imagine the best vintage store ever but everything was clean and nothing smelled of dirty Thai food or jizz.
NoExtra i: i got like 20 things for $15
NoExtra i: like full-on Madonna hung up outfits, 70's disco shit, Hyde's rock shirts and like 80's stuff like huge Givency and Chanel logo jewelry (cause they did that 80's show too for all it's 5 episodes i think)
him: not bad
him: sorry my mom just called... blahblahblah
him: I just found out that i'm go-go dancing at some Katrina benefit that your friend Reichen is hosting at Roxy
NoExtra i: tell him you know me
NoExtra i: No, seriously. the only ice breaker that beats name dropping me is "Hi...drink tix?"
him: i probably won't even meet him, whenever I dance at things like that they keep the dancers locked in the dungeon.
NoExtra i: i bought a fat suit too.
him: hahah omg a fat suit?
him: NICE. does it fit well?
NoExtra i: yea
NoExtra i: like a glove
NoExtra i: a big fat glove
NoExtra i: you can borrow if you want
him: what are you going to wear it with?
NoExtra i: well i have a great muu-muu that i used to wear but i always ended up looking like a hot skinny Boca Raton divorcee instead of a proper pudger.
NoExtra i: i'm going to go put on the fat suit and walk down melrose for a Jamba Juice
him: i chatted back and forth with *BLANK* this week on myspace... turns out his roommate used to date my roommate
NoExtra i: i like him sorta but i don't think he likes me
him: we talked to him when we were waiting for you @ the last Out 100 Party. He totally acted like he knew you but i specifically remember him calling you William twice.
NoExtra i: it's ok. i'm way famouser than him & everybody fucks up my name. it's so annoying
NoExtra i: you're famouser too
NoExtra i: waaaay
him: when we were talking about our experiences being like public figures, he said something i thought was funny, to the effect of "as a reality tv star, try and put yourself in my shoes" or something
him: and i'm thinking, imagine what its like for me... when half the world has seen my asshole?
NoExtra i: HAHAHAHAHA
NoExtra i: my dog actually just stopped licking his ass to stare at me i'm laughing so hard
NoExtra i: reality star
NoExtra i: fuck that. he's a reality participant
NoExtra i: reichen is a reality star
him: i mean i understand that publicity-wise, NBC reality show trumps porn
NoExtra i: dan renzi = reality star
him: Dan Renzi is a goddess
NoExtra i: we should email dan this conversation. he'd like it. I still remember him reading that stupid Latin girl who picked through his photo slides. I don't remember anything that Mr. Nobody did on his stupid show other than be a token homosexual.
NoExtra i: maybe we shouldn't email the conversation
NoExtra i: he might know *BLANK*
him: does dan renzi like anybody?
Noextra i: he's nice ain't he?
him: that comment was in jest. i always thought 'stupid' was a schtick for you but you really are prettier than smart, huh? hey wait, do you know dan's ex corey spears?
NoExtra i: yea!
him: i LOOOOOOOOVE corey
NoExtra i: from Micky's and auditions and stuff and he complimented me on nip/tuck once
him: i barely ever see him anymore but i love him
NoExtra i: yea
NoExtra i: bitch was in traffic
him: hehe yeah
NoExtra i: with kathy jones
NoExtra i: i mean Catherine Zeta Jones
NoExtra i: without the zeta she ain't shit
him: i was thinking who the hell is cathy jones?
him: omg laqajhajdsjbkasahaha
NoExtra i: that's the girl who no one knew before she fucked Daddy Douglas and Zorro'd her ass
NoExtra i: i'm totally going to post this conversation on my blog
NoExtra i: do you mind?
him: the Zeta is her mojo
NoExtra i: say no and i will anyway
him: not the stuff about *BLANK* though
NoExtra i: that was funny. with every post, i try and make this one reader of mine who's epileptic have a seizure from laughing. this one will totally have her reaching for her meds.
NoExtra i: i'll ink out your name
NoExtra i: oh shit
NoExtra i: or wait. his name
NoExtra i: lol!!!!
him: there are a lot of things that need to be inked out
NoExtra i: this'll be tricky
NoExtra i: i'll send to you for approval pre post
him: it'll look like a CIA document
NoExtra i: totally. i'll wear my Dior Trench coat while i do it
NoExtra i: ok. now i wanna go put on the trench coat
NoExtra i: and the fat suit
him: aaahaha. Inspector faggot.