Jessica Simpson/Ken Paves Hair Product review (a.k.a. The White Man is a Devil & Shant Be Trusted In Weave-Land)

I trust my li'l Asian Ellen. I buy real hair wigs w/ some root a la Heather Locklear from her almost biannually. I always greet her with a friendly "Neeeeh Ha-wow, Girl!" For the two of you that speak Chinese, you'll know it's actually Ni Hao (nee-Ha-OW) but I say it gay enough that it merits changing the spelling. It's my one stop, make the panties drop, family (& drag queen) friendly wig store that never leaves me unhappy or ripped off.

That's why setting foot on the Beverly Center escalator to buy wigs in a different store felt like a betrayal and a bad idea from the get-go. I was optimistic though. Coincidentally, my boots were also made for walking and I had hopes that Jessica and I would share that same kinship in hair weave matters. However once in the store, I was told there's a limited amount of pieces from her line available for purchase in the general public. I usually go for real hair. In this case (and at another store I called in the LA area), the real hair stuff is only attainable through special order or online. So I Lewis & Clark'ed it on forward to the synthetic (READ: Polyester) pieces readily available to the public. Now a nice poly/cotton blend shirt is one thing but straight up polyester on my head is another which required a conference with the Lord (There's a crucifix adhered to my flask specifically for these types of tough decisions).

But I went to purchase one which I thought matched anyway. My stomach grumbled. The fact that I was purchasing hair for $99 from an unknowledgeable, un-accented white man was not the scary part. No...The fact that there was a large piece of cardboard that obscured most of the hair behind the thick plastic box was the culprit for making my diet pill clatter around noisily with the butterflies in my stomach. All I could do was hold the box up and peer in to see if it matched.

This was wig Russian Roulette, people!
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Devastation came swift and it kicked like a mule when I opened them at home.

In my bathroom light, the hair looked Barbie-shiny and didn't match mine at all. I was hopeful though. "Let's try the daylight." Outside & still no luck. The onIy way this thing would real would be in candlelight. Or wait...I can always wear it in a black & white film...because y'know...There's so many of them.

OK...ok. Me being a hard-to-match shade of blonde is my problem. I want to provide an all inclusive review.
Here's the facts.
For about $100, you get 15 polyester tracks affixed to what could be likened to an oversized, ventilated yarmulke. It's what I'd normally refer to as a wiglet. Calling it a fall would be incorrect because it isn't meant to cover the crown of one's head. It's got 7 clips that fasten comfortably into your hair. Thoughtfully, the clips are a corresponding shade to the hair. (Many other lines use a brash aluminum tone)
If your hair has is layered w/ natural body, wave or curl to it, these might work good. If it's fine and thin, it won't. The stick straight variety will work but only if your own hair is flatironed to death and hairsprayed so it won't move and reveal a heinous wig line. Again, layers would help there too because if not it's just your own shorter hair hedging out over the long lengths of fake.

Let me emphasize, the blonds are either platinum or have a green cast to them in natural light. The darker tones had a more natural look even under mall fluorescent lighting. These would work well though in a ponytail,headband or braided (like Jess tends to favor) situation though.





I wanted to make sure I wasn't being too hard on Jessica. She's had a rough time in the press lately and this is the last thing she needs. So I wanted to get a second opinion. Asking Miss Ellen would be an afront to the very delicacy of her nature (plus she was closed this Sunday).
So I made an appointment to get cornrows with my regular braider chick. The fine ladies @ SaBrina Braids in Compton (yes the B is capitalized for some reason) wouldn't touch this hair with Bea Arthur's dick or use it in their shop. Shondrella (my Jamaican braider) said she wouldn't wish that hair on "any family member 'cept my dog". Well put Shondy.

Here's a picture of me in the piece. Notice the shine on the polyester and how it doesn't match natural hair.




In conclusion, let me just say I would gladly welcome this product into my household...But only today because I ran outta Swifter pads and that's probably the best use for these li'l wiglets

p.s. I originally wrote this for my friend's wonderful blog that reviews products.
Thanx for the oppourtunity Mary! Everyone check out her site @
The Customer is Always Right!