When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I almost stole silverware today. Only because I knew I wanted to eat in the car. Then I realized that doing so would be wrong.

I'm a fucking angel.

Times like these make me re-examine my life. Something's got to give, y'know. Hopefully the change will be well recieved with good spirits for my life, my mind, and my soul. I just need to make a radical alteration to my life. That's right everyone. I'm changing my ringtone.

Where's Waldo

Can you spot me?
www.rockofagesmusical.com.

Ya got to have friends

Ya ever get jealous? I was for a while when I met my friend/castmate Jonathan (www.jonathanredford.com). Usually when you use the word savant, 'idiot' goes along with it. Not the case here. He's got perfect pitch, an apparently photographic memory and he's a carpenter. Usually people who are good at everything are like social retards. He's totally not. He's totally adept socially.

We had a short conversation the other day. Here's how it went:
Willam: You're good at everything (undertone of hatred). What are you bad at?
Jonathan: I give really bad blow jobs.

Not many people can shut me up. The heterosexual Jonathan did just that.
He's hosting a new show too. Check it out www.cdusa.com

Rock of Ages opens!

Opening nights hold few guarantees. Might be awful from being over rehearsed. Might be the most creatively gratifying thing ever (ours was the latter).
But one thing goes hand and hand with opening nights- opening night parties.
Ours' was last night. It was insane. One of my rock idols, Cee Cee Deville was there. He remembered me from Club Makeup's heyday. All the little chorus girls thought he was Carson from Queer Eye. Friggin novices. Lots of famous people there. My highlight was the open bar.

I don't know if i was higher or drunker.

We almost had to play rock-paper-scissor to see who was soberer (is that a word) but smartly decided on trekking to Denny's instead.

Moons over my Hammy is way better going down than coming up.

...And learning is half the battle

If you have a an alcohol or drug problem, I advise you to find someone you can trust to talk with about it.
A friend, a neighbor, or a counselor perhaps.
But not your mother.

....because she will take your last Ambien and you'll be the one up @ 3 fuckin am.

Love you Mommy. Sleep tight (bitch)

How awful is this? 1 to 10, people.

I have a friend who's famous and a big bottom (meaning he's the recipient of his male ...i dunno...fuck-for-the-night's dick).
I didn't find this out from him. At a party he was at, an ex of his mentioned being with him was less than satisfying because he's not as tight as an ass is apparently expected to be.
I was drunk so I made the disparaging remark that it must've been like "throwing a hot dog down a hall way."

So here's my question. Did I make a joke about loosegoosey-assed men or about my friend? I don't believe that my friend is a possessing a West Virginian mine shaft for a rectum. I mean I've never heard of anyone getting stuck down there. But even if he did , so what? Why's there such a stigma about being a bottom, and if so an experienced one? It's akin to boys sleeping around & being cool and girls sleeping around & being slutty.

My parents raised me and my sis to believe that they were virgins until they were married. Why? I have no clue. (literally...i was clueless...my dad was a hot lifeguard and I believed he was celibate....I have no clue how I passed 7th grade falling into that one)
But still, out of my sister and I, I was the good kid (to my parents anyway; I gave my sister's homecoming date a handjob one year. The 'rents didn't want him sleeping in my sister's room after the dance so he bunked with me. Now who was the clueless one there huh?

Hunky horny football player plus theater student eager to please equals the phrase "That's not how your sister does it."

ugh. now I want a hot dog.

I spelled barbiturate wrong. I looked it up. It's not barbituate or barbitchuate as i thought. Another one of those fucked words such as February or Wednesday that have stupid useless letters. Like you're all happy and writing and spelling and such and then you proofread and you're "Aw Hell." It's like enjoying low-carb Mexican food then just like totally shitting yourself 5 minutes later. Or thinking you're fierce on American Idol in your mall-kiosk clip on hair and then seeing a picture of it on your head and realizing it's about 5 shades away from yours.

Golden Globe Me!

My publicist says i'll never be Miss Golden Globe (the little second generation performer who hands out the trophies). But I could be. Let me explain.
1. I could totally pass for Melanie Griffith's daughter.
2. Melanie Griffith would be way too luded out to notice that I'm not her daughter.
3. Melanie Griffith would not be able to her real daughter's screams from the locked broom closet because she keeps her extra Demerol in her right ear.
4. Also, the screams would not be heard on the other side because she keeps assorted barbiturates in her left ear.
5. Vera Wang owes me for a bad bunion shave she did on me back when she was a nail tech so she'll totally hook me up with something classy with no BBQ sauce or semen on it.
6. I don't like chocolate so even if I get drunk enough that I think the trophy is candy, I most likely won't eat it.
7. Also, trophies will not be used as a weapon unless Jessica Alba gets all up in my face about technically being a failed child actress since she never developed a drug habit.
8. Plan complete.

Real life Nip/Tuck

I haven't seen the inside of a gym in 3 years. The last time I was in one, this femme-dyke trainer made me pass out. I guess I could of stopped but she yelled "Faster Pussycat" and "Go Pussy" repeatedly and that made me confused and little scared.
So the reason I haven't been Bally's-bound lately is because I had (very successful) liposuction. The Man has been too busy to go work out, so he decided to go the elective surgery route.
Thursday morning, I drive him in and he gets 2 liters of blubber sucked from his 6'6'' frame (he wasn't fat, more Lohan around Mean Girls...healthy). I pick him up all groggy and drop him at home. I go back to rehearsal. Guess what he does.

HE CALLED FUCKING DOMINO'S!!!

That's right; like any sensible patient, he orders a pepperoni thin crust and promptly vomited after eating three slices. I told him that was God telling him he's a dumbass. Later, he took a Vicodin without eating. Now an experienced drug piggy like him knows this a no-no. You can't take Vic's without having a little nibble or you chuck. It's a fact. This is the boyfriend I would swear invested in Columbian National Bonds by the way he sniffs their most valuable gross national product. So he knows his drugs. So him vomitting this time was God telling him he was an asshole.

But I love him and he looks hot now (other than the bruising which has made his cock purple and black and yellow....and yes....it's big enough that there's room for all those colors...he is 6'6'')

you'll need a fuckin map to follow this one.

1. I'VE HAD NASTY THINGS IN MY MOUTH (I licked a tail pipe in a game of truth or dare)
2. I'VE HARMED ANIMALS (I fed a horse an apple that 10 minutes earlier had been employed as my bong. I'm pretty sure he was fine and it was totally not my fault because I was stoned at the time, right?)
3. I'VE STOLEN (wigs, 40 milkcrates from a grocery store & the hearts of cable-watching Americans)
4. I'VE AUDITIONED DRUNK (I sang Aerosmith's Janie Got a Gun at a CATS audition and then started to bark...like DOGS...cats...anyone? Yea...they didn't think it was funny either)
5. I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO PROMOTE
I now know that God made me do all those horrible things to prepare me for the only role I was meant to play in life.....the Tranny in Rock of Ages (www.rockofagesmusical.com). It's debauched and hilarious and rocking all at the same time. Please come see it if you're in LA.
You can get half price tix @ www.goldstarevents.com after filling out their brief registration form. Just search Rock of Ages. But to get VIP tix (attn: near the hot all(real)girl strippers!!!), you'll need to hit up the main site.
Seriously come see me folks. I'll never get to do a role like this again.
She sings, she dances, she dies.
Shit.
Wait. That's Satine. Fuck it....come see me anyway

My New Pet Peeve

Bigots who can't spell.
Someone sent me a nice email calling me a "fagit."
I'm totally judging this backwards individual. He's stupider than me.

Is stupider a word?