Peniscat Dolls

So I know this is a bit strange. I'm going to talk about my career. It's not like I'm going to recollect stories back to you like Margaret Mitchell fleein' Hotlanta with her drapes on fire.
So blah blah blah me me me. I'm on AOL's home entertainment screen today. I was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. They interviewed me while I was at the CW's new PCD show...Pussy Cat Dolls. But screw that. Dicky Dog 'Joes. That's what I'm going to change the name of the group to once I join and throw out the rest and replace them with the following:
1. a Boca retiree.
2. a tranny (sorry-transgendered individual) in a wheelchair.
3. a former boybander who came out the closet
4. a dyke who's all militant but only because she used to let truckers do her on i-95 between May and October.
5. Tiffany
6. Charo's faggot son (when he's finally paroled)

p.s. I know, I know...another fuckin' stunning picture of me. Boring.
p.p.s. I've slept with everyone except #6. I just did his hair once and lanced a mole on his face. His name was Enrique! Wait. Charo-Enrique. I need to call the papers.
p.p.p.s for full size pics... http://television.aol.com/photos/pussycat-dolls-behind-the-scenes

Xtina & Squatting

For all of you people that think an actor's life is full of late mornings and lazing about, I want to fill you in on something. This morning I awoke at 4:30 in the morning. It was quite refreshing to get up so early. I awoke with the morning dew.

Literally.

The experience was so refreshing because I was woken by a sprinkler...on my front porch...face down. Y'know how when the cab drops you off and the walk to your door feels like the neverending kind you'd need a sherpa for? Then you finally get there you realize this put the key in the hole shit is way too complicated. Don't act like you've never done it. For some reason I assume my readers are as debauched as me in one way or another.

Speaking of debauchery, I'm going to be on TV again soon. Me and my wholesome ass. I was requested for the new Christina Aguilera video. It was tons of fun and she was a total blast to work with. It was a 1940's circus theme and I underwent a 3 hour transformation. I totally trusted the hair & makeup team mainly because they had accents. There's a picture below for those of you who can't wait for the TRL premier. It's for the song Hurt...exactly the verbage that my balls would use if they could talk after the 11 hour, 50 degree night shoot.

Sabbath Sex

Y'know when you just want to run and leave your life? I'm feeling that now. But I know I'd miss the shoes I'd have to leave behind if I left hastily.
I'm not in love with my existence right now. Everyone keeps asking me about Nip/Tuck and all I can say is "I dunno." I don't even have the heart to put a bravado on and say "I duhhnno" all coy to make them think I know I'm coming back or when. Truth is- no clue. It's the best job I've ever had and the last I talked to the guy in charge, there were nothing but nice things said. I thanked him for making me famous. But as a fan, I like that the focus is back on the doctors on the show. Sometimes I imagine Ryan M & N/T staff reading this and pee a little.
Wow. That was a tangent. Anyway. My life. I'm not super duper happy but not unhappy enough to change. I've been fighting with the Man. Thankfully, tonight, we stopped yelling and I put down the baseball bat long enough for a quick fuck but after that I emailed him a list of things that "Annoyed me about the dumb-ass I live with."
Mr. Man yelled at me for it and I took his metal frame glasses off the nightstand and twisted them in half like I was wringing out a wet towel. They broke. I felt better but mainly because I never liked the glasses anyway.
I feel bad for my dog though when we fight. Lloyd von Puppyking knows something is wrong so he goes into his kennel when we yell. He's a big 100lb doggy . After things calm down, I go and lay by the his cage and offer him beef jerky. He's my dragon and I'm his sacrificial virgin. It makes everything all right in my head.
I don't think I'll leave the boyfriend. I've prayed on it but who knows if God will guide me true. I could just join a seminary. But that's just like really slow speed dating.

UGH. It's now 4 am. I know I'll make it through the Gospel but my head will start bobbing by the homily for sure?

Tony, Tina & Me

My publicist Dawne and I went up to Portland to see a the national tour of the show Wicked that had one of our dear friends and old co-stars in the leading role of Boq. (more about that later) We all appeared in the show Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding for about a year and half in Philadelphia. Now for those who don’t know this show, let me just say it’s environmental theater at it’s worst/best. Worst for the audience because anything can happen and best for the actors because we got to do a new show every night (Audience members are the “guests” at a fake Guido wedding complete w/ ceremony, dancing, Italian dinner and chaos. I played the boyfriend of the closeted brother of the bride)
This is the first show-biz job I got fired from. Why? I’m not really sure. It’s one of two things. Let me explain.
On New Year’s Eve, we did 3 shows. By the middle of the 3rd show, I was hungry, so naturally, I cut in the buffet line. Some thought that was rude so I crawled under the buffet table to stand with the servers. After about 5 minutes of snacking on croutons fished out of the Caesar salad with the ink end of a Bic, I had had my fill. This is where we cut to me under the table vomiting and then passing out. So though the official reason for my termination was never made known to me, I think they either fired me for sleeping on the job or drinking on the job. Dawne (who played Tina) and Josh (who played the gay brother) stayed on with the show after my dismissal but reported back about a month after the New Year’s shows, the theater got a really bad case of bugs. I liked to hope that the vermin infestation may have been sparked by my vomit which wasn’t found until the exterminator came in. That made my little unemployed, homo ass glow with pride.
I may be taking entirely too much credit though. The theater (hall really) that this show took place at had a bathroom that you could pee all while looking down through a crack in the wall/floor to watch a gaggle of Vietnamese folks & a 6’7’’ black dude named Earl cook the nightly Italian fare for the diners. When Food TV came in to profile our show for their Best of Dinner Theater show, they asked for someone more “authentic” looking to show how the Chicken Cacciatore was prepared. Earl got so mad he actually quit for a week when he was given the night off…and boy that sucked because there were no tightly-rolled blunts for the fine cast of Thespians that week. Tradegy would have ensued for certain but us skilled actors were luckily able to fall back on our fine honed training & technique. Y’know…cause South Philly actors are nothing but professional when it comes to not whipping their paying audience with Twizzlers to see if it would hurt. Oh yea. That was definitely another reason they could have fired me. What can I say; I’m a giver like that.

Requiem for a Cherry

I thought this was worth reposting while the nip/tuck traffic was at it's peak

Here's the scene so far. Cherry comes outta the grave, whacks the Nazi dad, and then shoots him in the stomach leaving him for dead w/ Matt.

(GUNSHOT!!!)
Cherry: Hey Matt
Matt: Yea Cher Cher?
Cherry: Will you drop me at the free clinic? I sprained my taint and I think I need a band-aid and some detangler.
Matt: Sure. But if we go to Rite-Aid, we can grab some Shout Wipes so we can get all this Nazi blood off of us.
(CHERRY GRIMACES)
Matt: What's wrong Cher?
Cherry: I got some dirt in my special new lady parts. It's like i'm at the beach but there's nary a boogie board in sight.
Matt: I'm sorry for putting shovels of dirt on you (and your gorgeous face you alluring transgendered gem)
Cherry: It's ok. I really thought you were gonna whack him with the shovel. A woman's work is never done.
Matt: Just because you don't have a dick doesn't make you a woman.
Cherry: Bitch just cause I don't have a dick no more, does not mean I can't pee on you again.
Matt: Sorry Cherry. You're right.
Cherry: Let's get a $6 Carl's Junior burger.
Matt: OK. But I left my wallet in the basement that we got tortured in. Hey Cherry... Since when are there basements in Florida?
Cherry: I'm pretty, not smart. Where's my burger?

....and scene.

PDX was full of DXCKS

I made many mistakes while I was there. Portland (PDX aviation-wise) is a town full of PETA and Greenpeace types that’s quite liberal with a hefty sprinkling of gays. But somehow, everyone managed to look like they were on the verge of suicide or a Lesbian. It rained a lot too and that did not bode well with my hair…or the fur I was wearing. It was a cute olive green zip up hoodie totally lined in soft pelts.
We went to a diner and this dykey looking bitch in flannel asked my two friends and I for our order.
After she walked back I saw her lean over and then point. (pointing's rude) She motioned to me and whispered something obviously about me to her co-worker. I, of course, felt compelled to respond in my signature way : Yelling. I gently stroked the fur and smiled. “Yes it’s real & I don’t’ feel bad at all." I threw in that my dad actually made me eat rabbit meat too too so it's not like I was some wasteful bitch. She countered back with it’s “like wearing a pet.“ I said “you ever hear the term Fuck like Rabbits? Yea…that means there’s tons to spare. Bunnies for days girl. Not like they’re endangered.“
It was weird. She was as mouthy as me and risking her tip.
I then decided to really piss her off and change my order. “May I have a vagitarian omelet please with…OOOH. Did I say VAGITARIAN? I meant vegetarian. Ooops.” I wasn’t drunk but it was funnier out loud.
My friends were mortified. My publicist Dawne recommended that I just tell people it’s fake. I gagged. I tried to reason with her rash statement. I like my place at the top of the food chain.
I’d rather Dolce or Gabbana come over from Italy and personally gay bash me than to say it’s faux.
Other than that little misadventure, Portland was fun. Tons of vintage stores. I asked one where the designer section was and they pointed me to a rack of J Crew.

I politely stepped outside.

All's noisy on the career front.

So Tuesday night is what is probably my final Nip/Tuck appearance. After 5 episodes, I'm nothing but grateful and am still glowing from the experience. That 'glow' though may be atributed to the $130 La Mer moisturizer that the makeup girl put globs of in a ziploc that i'm still using. Many thanx for all the hair weave too, Stacey K Black!

So it's officially curtains for Cherry Peck, the pre-op tranny character I portray on Nip/Tuck. Not the beef curtains she had hoped would be surgicially planted on her, but curtains none the less. Beef Curtains! HA! Vaginal slang is the greatest! Rest your pretty head well Cher-Cher. You were a really nice transexual when you weren't peeing on people or attempting to murder Nazi's. My friend Lindsay Hollister (see right) played a character named Nanette who had to shoot kill herself on the show. So Cherry follows Nanette into a the grave. We're the few, the proud, the offed by ryan murphy's chic, gay pen.

It's going to be hard to watch the show again as a fan without being a part of it. Someone say a novena that my local crisis center is open and will take my calls lest I decide to pack in the acting shit and become a real estate agent. As an actor though, at least I got to do all the fun stuff that involved inhabiting a character for this long. For instance, Cherry has a full backstory I created for myself. She was an attendee of the John Robert Powers School of Modeling and Poise but was suspended for biting an instructor who said she had no "Je-ne-sai-quoi." She was confused and thought it was a voodoo curse, so she chomped down as a reflex. I bet you also didn't know that Cherry's favorite color was teal. Well it was.

p.s. On the good side, I am going to be on the new CW show Search for the next Pussy Cat Doll. I know I promised no more reality shows to my agent but this is basically stand up. They full well called me in for it for comedy sake. I mean really...Me- a Pussy Cat Doll? Yea right. I'm far too tall and they already have a tranny in the group...the red-headed one's gotta have a dick right (see red headed tranny pictured)? But I got interviewed for The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno, E!, TV Guide, and AOL. Press Blitzkrieg. Now the damn title finally makes sense. War references and shit.
p.s. ooops. just saw the episode. They didn't state for sure Cherry was dead. Maybe She'll be back. Who knows. All hail Mr Murphy!

Summer in the city= heat rash under titty.

I'm almost done with all my summer projects. Don't even start with me with that "summer's over anyway" bullshit.
I'm going to be taking meetings all week and having lunches with execs & producers to hash out what's next career-wise for me.
Just to be clear, by lunch I mean a piece of celery in my bloody mary. i just found out that when eating celery, more calories are burned by digesting it than the total contained in it.
I really really hate tomato juice so i'll just take vodka and a piece of the green stuff. I know my loyal readers won't judge me though (mainly because I'm super tan right now and 3 ribs on each side are visible. I know. I'm a fat-ass. Those new McD's Snack Wraps are only $1.29 each and I usually just chew it & spit it out the window but there was a LAPD car behind me and I didn't want to get a ticket. I HAD TO SWALLOW IT!)