Countdown to Lockdown
Games, reading material, writing material and postage is supposed to be supplied. After banging my knee against the door for a half hour, I got a guard to come down and I requested writing stuff. She comes back 20 minutes later with A PIECE of paper. I thanked her and asked about a pencil.
“We don’t have no pencils” was her reply.
“Can I have a pen?” I asked.
“Contraband” was her last word as she slammed the door. Forbidding pens makes sense I guess because with enough time on your hand, you could totally fashion an archaic hypodermic needle or cute little shank. But what the fuck was I supposed to do with one piece of paper? Origami?
So I sat down and tried to channel all those brave souls who went before me. Paris, Martha, L’il Kim…what would they do? Then I realized I had something they didn’t.
Try as they might, the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Office couldn’t take away all my toys.
Yup…you know where this is going.
But I was actually being released. So I’m filling out the papers and what do I see over yonder on the bitch guard’s desk? PENCILS! Since I’m already out and figure they won’t put me back in, I say “Look at all the pencils…You just make an Office Depot run?”
She didn’t even fuckin’ answer. She just kept printing me out (1 hand done on entrance & 1 on release in ink; electronic scan @ booking too). Then I get my property back.
She starts handing it out, just like in Who’s That Girl. As soon as she hands me my rubberband I throw my hair up in a ponytail. I guess at this point she decides I’m worthy of smalltalk ‘cause she asks me “Is your hair naturally curly?”
I looked straight at her and said “Are you naturally a bitch?”
She laughed like she had something evil planned but at that point she couldn’t do shit. I wanted to treat her the way she had treated me. I was polite and showed kindness and she didn’t return it. So we she was
All in all though, jail has been rejuvenating and inspiring. It’s like a day spa only with bail and no lemon water. My first day out, I went to Happy Nails. My feet were so nasty after being all Britney Barefoot for 18 hours on dirty cement. That’s the lesson I learned kids. Jail is not cute for your feet or your long term podriatric health. Crime ain't worth it. Petty crime will fuck up your pedicure.