I dub thee- Hatchetta the Fug

I've been shooting a movie out in Palmdale. Drag queen face in Joshua Tree ain't cute. A testimony to just how uncute a drag queen in a desert can be is located below in possibly the best YouTube clip ever. Raja, a friend and Top Model makeup artist/contributor, had it on her page and I swiped it just like her old crazy roommate Tara swiped and sold half her clothes to donate money to convicted felon/presidential hopeful Lyndon LaRouche...But those bugle-beaded tales are for another day. For now, let's just sing the intro...

Bad BoyGirl, Bad Gi...Boy? Whattcha gonna do? Whattcha gonna do when they come for you?

Aren't you GLAAD to see me?

This is going to make me seem all high and mighty and shit but I feel all inspired to write the following. Maybe I should put on my Jessica Savitch hair.

It's going to seem like I'm on a soapbox for a minute but it's not like that at all. I'm actually wearing denim 4.5 inch Miu Miu platforms.

So I know a someone sorta famous and very gay-mous. He says his next role will not be a gay one, in order to expand on his repetoire. Is there something wrong with saying that? According to lots, yea. There's what I think is a negative sort of slant in the article here on Queerty, a site that I read every day and has been supportive of me.

I think it's a jab at him. He knows about this. I read it this morning and then saw he posted about it also. I love how the comments are split down the middle. I felt the need to throw my hat in the ring.

actors tend to get pigeonholed. good for him for trying to break out early in his career. RuPaul and Divine only got to play straight after they got stunt-casted into their roles.

I can't even get into a fucking casting room unless I have duct tape between my legs even with a litany of credits. I'm on Daryll's side. I'm not as famous as he is and I have a stalker so i don't know why there's issue taken with his relating to Brangelina.

Build it up to tear it down, huh? I love that he's not playing by the supposed protocol of what someone who's assumed to be gay and playing a gay character should do.

"We defy augury. There is special providence in the fall of a sparrow."

There were rumors the author of that was a fag too. We should exhume him, Liberace and Paul Lynde and prop em up and try and get an opinion on this outta them.

Now that whole we-defy-augury thing. It's just something I say when I don't know what to say but want to sound smart. But I think it actually applies here. Nevermind the fact that I misspelled augury so badly Google did not even recognize it. So that might not apply.

But just f.y.i. for if you think I'm jacked about this or the quote doesn't fit- It's the tall-ass Miu Miu's fault. They're cutting off the blood to my brain. They're a 41Euro and I'm a 43Euro minimum. Back to Nordstrom's.

I wish I could do what he's doing and say my next role won't be an LGBT one just for the variety aspect of the notion. But the world needs tranny hookers and punchlines.

While were on the subject of tranny hookers, let's make the obvious jump. Fergie. Trash with meth face gone glam is still trash (but like hot stanky, trash can sweating July trash that would make you slap your mom). There's nothing wrong with trash mind you but don't you think Josh Duhamel is like, "Yo guys. I'm dating Fergie. Come over and try it out. Yea. I said it. I mean her fergastankish crotch."

This post has no continuity and by me pressing publish, you'll think I don't care about you but I truly do. But if I stay down here and write any longer, I know I'll open my fridge and start eating.

Wanna know how to depress a bulimic. Let them know that laxatives actually have calories.

Grey because of gray.

I don't think I got the role of the effeminate beauty school student. I was in the room for less than 30 seconds. They laughed. I left. The only thing that makes me think it's a "no" is the first guy who went in was in there about 2 minutes and the longer the better usually in my experience. But he was the first guy. Maybe they were setting up the camera or just settling in. They also didn't ask me to do it more than once. Usually, they want to see if you can do it the same take after take. There were 8 guys there for the one role.

It's hard not to question yourself to death one way or another after each job seeking adventure but in this case. There's no questions. I just sooo didn't get it.

...And as I was leaving, this semi-name guy who's gay said to me, "Oh you're already done? They saw you that quick?"

Yes you asshole. You know they did. Now tell your agent that when the submission says "25-35," that means not you. Just because you cover your late 40 gray with the worst single process hair color I've ever seen, does not mean you look 30's. Not that I can fault you for trying because the only person that can work gray is Emmylou Harris and Richard Gere. But seriously, your matte, toupee textured hair sucked all the light outta the room and my concentration.

oh p.s. Yes. I'm evil. When you asked if that was Julie and I said yes, It was really Junie, as in Junie Lowry-Johnson, 5 time Emmy-winner for casting. It's a good idea to know the CD's name if you pretend to actually know them. But I hope you went in that room and gave "Julie" a big ol' hello.

Dear Sally Hansen,

I think I've been good to you. I talked up your new spray foundations on Vegas' most listened to norning radio show. I affectionately called it Tranny-in-a-Can but I'm sure the listeners knew what I meant.
But as apt of a spokesperson as I am for your company, I feel that it's time for me to take a sabatical. I say 'feel' because that's precisely what I was doing to my eyebrows when over 20 individual hairs came out of them.
I'd like to commend you on the strength of your Brush-On Creme Hair Bleach. The fact that you spelled it Creme instead of Cream had me lost in such continental swoonings that I must've lost track of time.

May I gently suggest that you maybe word the warning differently. Can I suggest that you ammend the generic

"Apply & wait 8 minutes"

with a suffix? Maybe

"...or you will lose your damn brow, you dumb, vain ho"

I'm not super worried. I know my brows will go back to normal. I will not get litiguous on you all. In fact, I'd like to end this by complimenting you on the following warning I found on the box

"Do not use near eye or vaginal area. If bleach mixture gets into eyes, rinse immediately and thoroughly with cold water or boric acid solotion."
Three questions though:

1. Boric acid solution? Oh goody. Perfect timing! That 16 oz bottle is almost all huffed out but now I'll have to save those last drops just in case!

2. If despite your warning, I use in my vaginal area, can I use the whole get-the-bleach-outta-your-eye method of cold water and/or boric acid in there too? Provided it's me personally with the vagina, I'm guessing it would be brand new. Will the boric acid be bad for it?

3. Is the eyebrow considered the "eye area" technically? I mean just cause it has eye in it doesn't mean that's what you meant on the box right? You mean it for like douchebags who try and bleach their eyelashes and shit right?

love,
Cawillam Belli Bowles

Teach them well and let them lea....F'ing KIDS!

I watched Borat tonight. I knew it would be hard but it was funny enough for me to forget I was thisclose to being cast in it. I had gone in a couple times for the hooker who comes to the southern dinner role that went to a real gal named Luenell. Y'know- it's the age old question that's puzzled many for the ages. If you ever see a director banging his head against a wall he's probably thinking "Do I hire the fat, softspoken black chick in her 40's or the 20 yr old mouthy blond drag queen?"
The last time I seemed so down on my blog was towards the end of June in 2005. By the end of the month and my 20th birthday 9 days later, I had booked nip/tuck and Rock of Ages.
Maybe this means I'll book the audition for Ugly Betty on Monday. One of the nerve-wracking things about this year is my resume is pretty strong and enough people know me so that I don't have to go in and pre-read with the casting director before I go in for a callback with the producers. I just go straight to the producers. That means if my instincts/reading aren't right, I look dumb in front of 4-10 execs and a creative team instead of just a casting director. At least with the casting person, you know if you did something wrong and they give you a redirect, you'll know what to do right in the room with for the producers.
But fingers crossed. I'll let you know. My aunt's got a friggin Emmy. Not booking a two line role for the "effeminate beauty school student" will surely be a blight upon the surname of Belli.
(Worst comes to worst though, I just ditch the last name along with the old teeth)

Things to do on a Friday when you're a socially-retarded, agorophobic, non-ab'ed GWM

Yea. I know that title sounds harsh. WebMD wasn't that direct but just the same, I'm home alone on Friday night. So I turn on Logo (new-ish gay network).

I see my friends Calpernia and Andrea working the red carpet for Logo's Time Warner announcement on a news interstitial. I immediately feel fat and univited.

Mainly because I wasn't invited and I'm fat.

I've decided I'm going to start doing crunches during every commercial instead of downing 10 calorie Jello cups without a spoon. I use my tongue. It's long enough that it reaches to the bottom. It's not an attractive thing. After seeing those pictures from last night, I realize I really must lose the extra 20 lbs I'm packing. Don't say anything catty like "well just take out your tracks" or "lose the rhinestones, ya big queen."

Surrounding myself with people hotter than I always makes it easier to lose the pounds. Coming home feeling chubbed and unlusted after will make me avoid the Frigidaire. But Logo has already solved that problem. I don't have to go out to the club because Queer as Folk is on repeats next!

Oh! Goodie! Now I get to look at hot people with abs. Including the cad my agent also represents who won't come out of the closet but books those choice gay roles that people won't even let me get a pre-read for.

To recap: I was signing autographs last night and now I'm straining to not make fridge runs this evening. Downhill isn't always the easy part I guess.

Veneers pt. Deux

So the seats that Rebecca and I sat down in happened to be in front of a moderator for a website called OhNoTheyDidnt. I got really excited because I thought I read this blog but in actuality, I read IDontLikeYouInThatWay on a daily basis. We talked with her a bit and I gave her a promo sticker and she asked us to a do a little picture plug with a sign. But I checked out the other site anyway and it's a fun little gossip blog on livejournal.com.
But the only reason I'm reposting is because it's a second shot of my veneers. Although better, it's still got a giant white spot and a bloody dot but you can see that they look like nice normal chompers. The color shade is not as off as it looks right now. Some of the natural coloring will show through so they'll look less white in soon in pics. I generally really like them. If you want to see what I mean, it's the first link in this posting.

Paley Fest @ the DGA: nip/tuck Forum

I'm horrified. The way my mouth is snarled in this picture (I was telling Ryan to get off my hair), my new veneers look like chiclets. I swear; they're cute and look just like my old teeth but much cuter. They don't look fake at all.

The redhead was my date for the night, Rebecca Metz. She played Abby Mays, a character who had an explicit and much discussed sex scene/character (but mostly sex scene) on nip/tuck. Paper or Plastic, sweetheart? Oh...as if we have to ask ;).

The forum was great. They talked about a bunch of stuff including the casting and direction of the show. Outside in the pressline, I heard a small commotion when Kelly Carlson/Kimber arrived on the scene. There was an audible gasp when she took off her coat to reveal a sensible, serious actress outfit complete with beret. The way the crowd reacted, you woulda thought she had pasties and smile on. Someone actually fainted and was tended to by Julian McMahon himself. First and foremost, I've always just been a fan of Ryan Murphy. Popular seasons 1 & 2 on DVD got me through a hellacious stay in Vancouver while shooting Saved. He seems to have his finger on a some crystal ball knowing what's going to be just right for the next season and such. He had on really cute shoes too which only added points to the the night.

Now I always knew there were die-hard fans out there and I've talked to a few online, but meeting so many in such a small space was fun. Signing autographs was great too. Not so great? Having someone come over and say 'hi' to Rebecca and then turn to me and say "Hi, I'm ______" was sorta weird considering the person had directed me on one of my episodes.

But thanx to the veneers, I was on enough pain medication to just laugh it off.

Toiling @ the Night job

Tonight I heard a Bronx accent so thick, I actually thought the person was deaf...or at least had partial hearing loss since it was in a club. I actually wrote the cover charge down on a piece of paper because I thought they couldn't read my lips. When I realized it wasn't a Miracle Worker sitch, I was truly embarressed and tried to do a Bronxsonian Marlee Matlin impression.

The person asked for my manager.

For when your mom is the only person who cares about your press book.

So award season in LA has come to an almost close. Pilot season is on it's way out. All the series regulars have been cast and most of the guest slots are over with too. I went in for a couple guest leads but no series regular slots. Disappointing but whatev. Not many roles that I fit. It's hard for me to be at this point because I could probably easily transition to personality/hosting/on-aire full time next year. Logo and Here and so many reality shows & music programs have so many oppourtunities. As we all have learned, I am apparently not the next PussyCat Doll, thanks to the CW's standards and practices department.

But then what if an amazing show like comes around and then the casting/producing people look down on that aspect? Ryan Murphy, who I like to think I have a small in with, is doing a show about a married sportswriter dad who decides to tell his family he's a transsexual and wants to transition. I mean there have to be so many chances that I could maybe book a part on this. Will the uber-classy Mr Murphy be appalled at me doing reality shows?

I almost want to just give it up. A manager would help but I don't know where to look to find one (a good one). I want to get condemned by GLAAD. I want to be in Teen People's Hottest 25 under 25 Issue. I want to show up @ the NAACP awards just for the gift bag.

I mean what the fuck world. I'm trying to be positive. I just got veneers. I'm friggin ready already!

(pics coming soon on the new chompers)