Got me a Cadillac

The new Kate Walsh Cadillac commercial is awful!

First you see Kate driving a Caddy, then she says the following:
"Lets see...gossip magazines, dark chocolate, Italian shoes, definitely a Kansas City ribeye...And pulling up to the boys clubs in one of these. These are are a few of my favorite things."

The next shot is of Ms. Walsh in her cherry red 2008 Cadillac pulling up beside two metrosexual looking dudes.

The gents are obviously wondering if her pimp knows that she took his car out for a spin.

I don't know who Cadillac thinks that they're appealing to with this advertisement. Because really, the only people classless enough to drive red Cadillacs are real estate agents in the valley and sex trade workers.

I do respect Miss Walsh though immensely for selling out. She's got a mellifluous voice and she played a tranny (that yes-I auditioned for) on CSI years ago. The girl deserves all her Grey's Anat success. I mean can you imagine the call that an actress gets where her manager says, "yea...Casting thinks you look like you could've possibly been born a man."

Freshmen 15.

The below is an excerpt from my first assignment reviewing porn for various porn publications, this one being the ever popular Freshmen Magazine.

Jorden, Sebastian and Dallas switch off into different combinations while the cute & cuddly Tory Marson gets his mouth around older & buffer frat man Dean Phoenix's gut stuffer of a cock. Dean busies himself playing little Dutch boy to Tory's tight dike. (Holland is saved!) Tory's signature ever-eager hole winks at the viewer with a cum-hither stare before it gets what it's looking for.

I see shades of Frost combined with whimsical tone of Whitman's early work, n'est-pas?

At newstands and finer adult bookstores now! December Issue. Always great as a last minute gift for your friendly neighborhood homo.

Baby cried the day the Tranny came to town...

God, who doesn't love that tune? Right, Ma?

Well I had a momentous career moment. Most actors and actresses can only dream of this type of instance. I made my understudy cry.

I didn't hit him or anything. It was more an indirect blow. I was due to be filming (the Meatloaf/Bonnie Tyler musical) for my last show of Chicago. Fortch for me, my schedule opened up so I told the production team. Well the stage manager told the cast a half hour before he was about to go on. Little Mr Man was wiping away tears along with the Maybelline in his dressing room. He had to play a boy in the show that day and I actually felt bad. He had people come to see him.

I felt so Margo in All About Eve. Just wanted to light up a cig and drawl out , "That's showbiz- KID!"

Oh...Chicago @ the Hudson Theatre is extending for a 6 more shows. plays411.com/chicago for tix. Just don't go on the 11th. I'm hosting Hustlaball in Vegas. So my understudy will actually get to go on for that. He'll have to learn that professional she-males never cry out loud. They keep it inside and learn to hide their feelings. Then they fly high and proud. Then if they should fall (from drinking or pills likely), you must remember you almost made it.

Or just eat yourself into oblivion like 80's Melissa Manchester before she became Blossom's mom.

A river runs through me

So I'm backstage at the Hudson theater and hear some whining from a fellow actor. She really needs to poop. Now me personally...I don't go for deuce'in in public. But apparently she's got some disease were she can't eat gluten so she only goes about every five days. So when this bitch has to go, bitch has GOT TO GO. She mentioned something a "turtle head poking out" and I tuned out at that point.

But all this poo talk made me feel like I needed to go to. Which was totally weird since for lunch, I had Sprite Zero and for dinner, I had diet Dr. Pepper.

Then someone volunteers that Dr. Pepper is made with prunes. I'm like "What? That's stupid. You're stupid. Why are you talking to me? Are you equity? Go away."

But chorus member #3's words have affected me. So I go check. The bottle only says 'natural flavors' so it totally could be.

But then I saw a chorus girl's pussy through her fishnets. At that point, I decided I wanted to vomit instead of poop. The poor battered vagene look like it a had a harrelequin pattern beat into it.

Imagine defrosted salmon carelessly flung on a chain link fence.

Seriously. Not cute. But how awesome is that if Diet Dr. Pepper is a diuretic. I'm going to stock up big time. Wonder how it tastes with salmon? (totally kidding)

Top Model is my Jesus

If you've read the subject, you know I've renounced my faith & am no longer Catholic.
Hedonism has been hell on my hair as you can tell by the picture.

So I'm doing Bingo @ Hamburger Mary's the other night & who should walk in but my 2nd favorite Real World'er Trishelle. We worked together on the Dr. Steve-O Show this year. She was classy enough to point at me and announce, "Hey-I know you." I guess Steve-O never did get to fuck her brains out like he so wanted. Now don't go being catty and say Trishelle's a dumb slut who doesn't have any sense to being with. She's smart enough to know that being a blonde wasn't a wise judgement call. She now has a super suitable wintery chestnut 'do. Anyway-I love Trishelle. She's made a career out of just being her. And Me? I call Bingo in a nightclub while writer's strike. So I go pack to calling balls. Two games later, I hear a bawdy ass cry of "BINGO!" It's none other than Brittany Brower from America's Next Top Model!

Trishelle brought Brittany Brower to the game, presumably (if you think not, well fuck yourself) to meet me. She's drunk and I start to hug her tall ass. My boss tells me to check her card but fuck that. She was on Top Model. She's been through enough. She said Tyra was a "dumb whore" but I believe she meant it in a complimentary way.

Next week at Legendary Bingo, we have Mercedes Yvette who lost to Yoanna House in cycle 2 of America's Next Top Model. Tis the friggin season right? All my little girl Hannukah dreams are coming true. Except for the whole getting famous thing. Maybe I should pick up a Dianetics book though and try the L. Ron route.

Shoulda stayed in bed

So far, my day has been asstastic.

It started when I pulled an ingrown hair almost a centimeter long from an inch below my collarbone that left an angry red mark. This electrolysis shit is almost done though so hopefully no more of that.

But I had an audition to play a slutty drag queen. I ended up wearing a tight t-shirt after repeated attempts to cover it with makeup failed.

Now I have a pretty amazing agent. He gets scripts and roles for me that other agents aren't even aware of. I got a smaller agent to deal with roles that I thought were beneath him (co-stars are much smaller than guest stars and features). So I went in on this feature today that was paying scale ($975 per day) through the small agent. I didn't know I had to notify Big Agent I was going out for it. He also tried to get me an appointment.

You see where this is going right? Dis-ass-ter. Big Agent called to get me appointment while I was actually in the waiting room. I had to plead over email and phone and was almost in tears (real tears- i'm not that good of an actor) over the fact that Big Agent might drop me. ..during a strike of all times. Thankfully, it's all been resolved and Big Agent is keeping me on.

After this, I read Les Spindle's Backstage West review of Chicago the Musical (which I play Mary Sunshine). He panned me. Just gave me one awful sentence with no redemption. The dumbass also reviewed me in Hedwig @ the Celebration to no acclaim also. I can't call him a dumbass though this time because he at least spelled my name right.

Now I just need to get through yelling 20 games of Bingo @ Hamburger Mary's tonight. Tomorrow, I have to drive to Pasadena to record Holding out for a Hero w/ Shoshanna Bean for a new Bonnie Tyler/Meatload musical.

And who knows...maybe I'll even get the movie role I auditioned for. It's a tranny named Laverne who's Magnum-hung. It's a cute part and it's with the National Lampoon people. Fingers crossed (but never legs)

What do you get when....

...you combine 10 hot girls, 9 versatile bottoms, and one straight man?

That's right! It's musical theater time!!!

The strike is hurting us all so come out and have some fun!Chicago @ the Hudson theater- Plays411.com/chicago for tickets or check goldstar.com too for discounts.

I'm not appearing on Dec 15th or Dec 16th's evening shows. But I will be there the 16th's matinee.

If getting culture and shit ain't your thing, you can watch me on Women's Murder Club Friday Dec. 7th @ 9pm. I play the best drag buddy of a tranny who's drowned in a toilet. Just to remind you, when I did CSI:NY this year, a tranny on that show was drowned in a toilet too.

Toilet Waterlogged Trannies are the new Uggs. Get em while they're hot...& wet.