Wednesday, July 30, 2008

escargot, my car go 150 swiftly.

OK. enough Will Smith bon mots.

Last night I was taking out the trash in stockings after getting home from a gig at 2 am. I stepped on something crunchy. I was like whatever-probably a palm frond or some earthquake tectonic plate shit. It's not sharp, doesn't feel bad. Whatevs.

So I sit on the couch to watch my Tivo'd Lewis Black Root of All Evil and I feel something weird in my foot. I can barely feel anything since my feet had been crammed into 5 inch heels and my toes had a diamond pattern from the fistnets almost scabbed into them. So I feel up the foreign something in the other foot with the still pristine foot.

The grossest thing EVER

There was part of a cracked shell and a snail THAT WAS FUCKING MOVING stuck in the sole of my fishnets on the underside of the toes.

Those stockings and panties came off faster than Delta Burke eating a moon pie (while's a disease)


Blogger Fightin' Mad Mary said...

Snail crusher! You are into some sick shit.

For reals - next time we video tape it and put it up on some fetish web site.

7:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You killed a living thing. You're going to Hell, Missy.


11:56 AM  
Blogger Thea said...

i haven't laughed that hard in at least a month.

when i lived in belgium, my friends and i were having a picnic in the park. my one friend dug her foot into the ground and was talking about how fresh and lush european ground is --- until we all looked over and realized she was digging her foot into a huge pile of dog shit. classss act.

9:57 PM  
Blogger willam said...

that's a Dog Sees God line "he killed a living thing"
the snail was still alive. that was the grody part. moving dead giant wad of congealed grey spooge. was so nasty miss jackson.
& thea- that's hilarious.

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least it wasn't a scorpion, because those bastards are just too creepy even to look at, let alone make hand contact with one of 'em. EEEEEK!!!


1:54 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

I swear, those snails are the grossest thing about living in southern california.

Apparently they really ARE the same snails that are escargot, there were no snails here until the 1920s or so when so dipshit decided he wanted to grow his own in his garden in Pasadena and snuck them into the country. So, it's his fault that you had one stuck to the bottom of your heel. At least, that's what I heard on NPR.

7:43 PM  
Blogger The_Aitch said...

ewwwww! That made my toes curl and my head itch! yuckers! No thanks!

11:58 PM  
Anonymous shaybaby said...

GROSS! You poor baby! That stupid snail ruined a perfectly good pair of fishnet stockings. Asshole! He got what was comin to him. The side walk is for people! BTW: I understand why you took off your stockings but why did your panty's come off too? How high up did that snail get?

3:17 PM  
Blogger willam said...

drag is intricate. many layers. tape, salami, thong, lettuce, stocking, mayo, panties cheese.

3:20 PM  

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