The state of the Arts

This weekend, I was in a show- When Queens Collide. It had 20 drag queens, some A+ writing & tons of sub-par performances. When the emcee for the evening, Lana Luster, called me WILLIAM after my solo number, I yelled at her and she called me a bitch. I bet if they spelled her name wrong on all the tranny porn box covers she did, she'd be livid too. The advertisements mentions Our performers have been on such shows as blah blah blah...then it goes on to list 13 shows, 7 of which are my credits. Even with that, they still decided to cut me from a sketch in favor of putting some 50 y.o.+ DragHag Queens on stage. The production offered me comps and I was too embarrassed to give them to anyone. Which is unfortch, because I really like the director & producers. Fightin' Mad Mary sat through it with her mother too & I'm really sad that I can't give her that 3 hours of her life back.

BUT...the weekend ended with me seeing a play that I love for the third time this month. DOG SEES GOD: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead at the Hudson Theater. It's a hilarious satire of the Peanuts comic strips & tv specials. I love this play to death and was dissappointed to see only 20 seats out of 99 filled (I counted) at the matinee. When I was in Chicago there, all the dancing & gaping anuses of the power bottom enlisted male chorus made the heat intolerable. It wasn't as bad at night last week but it was still handy to have the playbill as a fan.

Cast memberAndrea Bowenwas on Desperate Housewives for the past 4 years. To play to 20 people must be debilitating. The kid who plays Charlie Brown (Joseph Porter) in it is so everyday dreamy & hilarious and can do the cry on cue thing. Watching him made me want to take an acting class. The Linus character is hilariously adrift and my second favorite thing. The queen bee bitchy duo of Christine Lakin and Lauren Robyne are beyond hilarious playing roles that I'm infuriated I'll never be considered for because of the whole born-a-boy fact (although I submitted myself for a male role & never got a call in to audition...oh well). The whole cast is so amazing and I wouldn't be shocked to see most show up on television in the next few years.

And since they decided to not even audition me, I'm only going to give the link to the half price ticket site. Go here for tix and see it before it closes July 20. I would never recommend shit to anyone. Support the friggin arts.

Stupid things I did this week.

Y'know this chick? She hosted Dog eats Dog years ago. She was also married Dr. Christian Troy on nip/tuck. While I was on the show, she got into a pool accident and broke her neck. Since she's got a kid with 1 of the lead actors on the show, he obviously couldn't come into work. So they shuffled some scenes and had me come in early. SAG rules mandate a 12 hour turnaround and that woulda made me arrive at noon. Instead they wanted me there 2 hours early at an extra grand an hour.
Well she strolled in with some homo friends to Here Lounge (a LA gay bar) on my night working door. She was in a great mood. I asked her if she was married to Julian McDonald. She and all her little homo friends laughed at me. She was like, "NO. Definitely not married." I pressed her more asking if she was Brooke Burns. She was still doing the coy shit and denied it. I'm like you were totally married to Julian McDonald. And finally she was like "NO I wasn't...." after paying her cover and walking away. Her little faggy friend flipped at me "it's McMahon."

I had called her ex-hubby the wrong name. I felt so stupid. Not that she helped by laughing at me. She was just out having fun. On her exit I thanked her for making me an extra $2K for the whole neck breaking thing. Strange how fast shit can get weird. Anyway- She's super pretty and her breasts look real (but probably aren't).

Let's see. What else did I do stupid this week? I told someone I wasn't voting Democrat because Michelle Obama's false eyelashes on the cover of Us Weekly suck ass. Really Seriously ass sucking application whoever did that makeup. You think Eleanor Roosevelt would come out all wonky eyed like that? Wait she was a dyke too so nev mind.

I asked someone I was working with if they had a girlfriend last week. She looked at me funny and said "No." Then her friend came up to me and said she got pissed that I asked her about it. I mean it's obvious she's a lesbian even if she's not out to herself yet. I said I didn't care because she was crappy at her job (which I hired her to do for Tranny McGuyver). Bitch promised me the world & delivered Rhode Island. . And with Doc Martens and rolled cuff jeans, no heterosexual man on earth is gonna touch her so that at least makes her a default dyke, right?

Oh! but good stupid things happen too. I learned how to spell LICENSE. I always had spelled it Liscense. Then while applying for a marriage license this week, I had to sit in front of a sign for an hour.

The stupidest thing I did all week though was watch the I Know Who Killed Me Lindsay Lohan flick. Bitch should get a job at the grocery store so she can familarize herself with the bag she's trying to act her way out of.

Happy Clowns

A Drag queen is a red nose short of a clown.


And who doesn't love clowns? It's all for this charity GLASS which supports gay teens and violence in teen relationships. You know there's violence in 1out of 3 teen relationships. That's why these kids need help. And a safe word. Like Palimino or Popcorn.

And I gotta tell you folks. Whats good in this show is awe-inspiring. Like Busby Berkeley-musical-dance-scenes-good. But what's bad in this show (that the production team and performers think is great) is soooo bad it's hilarious. You're allowed to laugh at 90 year old Warhol superstar Holly Woodlawn being wheeled across the stage to deliver one offkey line in a scene.

I'm the also the youngest person in the show too by a good 10 years. Feel free to pelt these lovely ladies with Boniva and Depends at the parts you don't like. Or just yell "MAAAAAN!"

go here for tix.

Redemption comes in many forms

Nobody tells Kirstie how to get thin. God forbid you do a little coke like Kate...

Or say you've battled the bottle and got busted like my current Army Wives obsession Kim Delaney...
Or maybe some asshole posts pics of you online both drinkin/coking & exposing your tits (classy C cups) things while you're just doing your best to complete your Miss USA reign

There's only one answer people.

BANGS!

Nothing says repentence like bangs (or covers up that nasty forehead gash from your DUI mishap).

Bangs are hair speak for "I'm relatable. Be my Be Fri and I'll be your St ends."

Tooth & Nailed

One of my favorite bloggers, Mary, only reads blogs with pictures. Unfortch for her, these don't have me looking my best.

It all started last year in March when I went all Hollywood and decided to get veneers for my askew chompers. I did my research & asked around. Decided on an office that does the Extreme Makeover cases and Britney. I was all set to get my teeth ground down to nubs and get the same material they use to make toilets welded to said nubs.

So I got my veneers put on. I told my Dentist (DDS) that it felt like I had little ledges shoved under my gums. DDS assured me this was natural. Six months later, after repeated check-ins, my gums still didn't heal. They looked like this from March 07-May 08.

So the Extreme Makeover DDS sent me for surgery. That didn't go well since all they did was shave away bone from a veneer that was still too deep up in my gumline. They also had shitty magazines in the waiting room. National Geographic can fuck themselves.

Finally, I get recommendations from 2 more periodontists. They all point me to the same guy. So now he's working on me. He chips off my veneers (2 outta 4 down in the pic) and puts a temporary set of teeth made of bonding on. Then I get gum contouring and cleaning up done 3 days later

All the blood really brings out the green in my eyes though, dontcha think?

In a couple weeks, after my gums are all healed, I get my new veneers put on by the new trusted guy. I'm praying I don't end up looking like Gary Busey and hope you all do the same for me.

So moral of the story:
1. Don't trust doctors, dentists, or anyone with your body who doesn't have grey hair.
2. If your dentist has a rock band and has his CD on sale, RUN.


Brush & Floss, hoes.


update: Gums healing well. looks nothing like the shingles veeners on Mr. Busey or Mr. Rourke. Thanx for all the nice notes. I got 30+ emails from people & your good vibes (and offers to take extra Vicodin off my hands) were all appreciated.

Cher Pride Parade

I went to see the Cher in Vegas...2nd row...for free...and went backstage.

The Man & I go about every 3 months and stay @ one of the best properties in Vegas, the MGM SkyLofts. We're there often enough and spend enough that the casino hosts offer us tix to whatever. They call him a whale but I think that's an unflattering term because white trash people just think they're referring to him as a fat ass (which he's not).

As I was sitting at Caesars Palace in my seat 10 minutes past the expected start time of 8pm, people started to clap and chant. I was so afraid. I didn't join in for fear of upsetting the Cher.

An upsetting thought popped into my head. What if there was some announcement like, "Ladies & Gentlemen- Tonight the role of Cher will be played by Marilu Henner."
Like Evening Shade my ass. There would be a gay riot. But then the my strawberry cheesecake flavored daiquiri kicked in and the music started. Fifteen costume changes later, I was very happy...and backstage.

I'd be lying to tell you that I saw the Cher backstage. I didn't. She blindfolded me, then gave me the classiest massage ever. She thanked me for coming. I thanked her for letting me keep my leftovers for dinner in her refridgerated wig room.

Obviously, you know I'm lying in that last paragraph. I was just so delerious from seeing Cher. It's like Madonna times 10.