Who Whored it Better?

I'm sorry. I mean wore it.

On the Left, we have Ashely Tisdale, a.k.a The Tiz, with her new nose and new hair. Dishwater blonds with equine schnoz's don't sell. Streamlined Platinum tween wonder courtesty some Disney dollars.

She's wearing Marciano; The same Marciano that I was prevented from shittifying with rhinestones because I returned it to the Rodeo Dr store later that week.

On the Right, we have me (willam) circa 2006 with makeup by Sutan from America's Next Top Model. It was the easiest job she ever had. Little chapstick, slick of mascara, some duct tape. Bam!

For once, I think I wore it better hands down. I certainly posed the shit outta it. I'm also the better role model. No extensive plastic surgery to make people like me. I also didn't borrow my extensions from Playboy dust bunny sale.

In honor of The Tiz, come out to GayDays in Anahiem this weekend. I'll be there all weekend. So will Miley Cyrus. Presumably with her new veneers.

Save Me movie review- Calling Dr Quinn!

I'm only asking for the Medicine Woman because I woulda liked this movie waaay more if I was high.


It was a well written script (I auditioned for it, had a callback and even told them I'd gain weight to play the fattie outcast Lester) but it was just boring subject material. Dour shit about Christian de-gaying center.

Anyway, about halfway through the movie i start to hear a snort and some breathing every few minutes. I was shocked because I thought someone was actually performing oral sex on another audience member. I turned around and realized that someone was snoring. Another wearied movie watcher joined in. My friend G., casting director and blogger about town, can verify the literal snoozefest.

Chad Allen was sufficient and actually managed the tears for the emotional stuff that Robert Gant couldn't muster any. And whoever says Arizonian Hardware store employees wouldn't have Melrose Place hair just needs to see this film and Gant disprove that long thought notion.

Judith was amazing in the film. She truly is the Boss and her performance was surprisingly solid even without feathered, frosted hair. I guess she had training or something.

Dear Tyler Perry

First let me say I don't enjoy your films where you dress up like an older African American matriarch. Martin Lawrence is funnier plus he's got that I-might-have-a-gun-on-me-&-some-speed vibe going on that I find dangerous and sexy.

But I will go all Diary of a Mad Black Woman on you.

'Cause boo...you drive an automobile that's $160,000+. G'head & make donations to your closet-case heart's content to known homophobe assclown Bishop Paul Morton. I don't care.


But when you park your dirty ass Bentley in front of my house for 3 days just to avoid a street cleaning ticket, I take umbrance (side note-"umbrance" is such an awesome word. It's like I'm the lawyer guy from Kill a Mockingbird!)

'Cause first of all you, Tyler Perry, live 21 doors south of me. 21 DOORS AWAY.

Second of all. Who in the hell drives a Bentley and parks it on the street? Tacky...

Now I'm actually fine with people thinking the Bentley's mine. But it's so fucking filthy. My holocaust survivor neighbor is already none-to-thrilled 'bout the drag queen living next door so do you really want her to think I'm a ghetto clown too? So two options TyTy. Move your car or the Bentley gets the boot. It's so not above me to report an out of state Georgia car to the city as abandoned.

Your neighbor- & from one drag queen to another,
McQuifa Fondouche

oopsie

I got a call to audition to play a teenage fashion reporter.

I wore this shirt.


I had no clue who this Demi Lovato girl was and that this show was Disney. The casting director actually asked me about 'appropriateness' and I told him I wasn't about to wear a gay-ass vest and True Religions like the 20 other homo's in the waiting room.

He then told me I was still on camera.

It was one of those don't-call-us, we-won't-call-you auditions

Surveyery

Y'know how you always get those surveys from people you knew in high school that thought they were your friends but really were just the only people that you could tolerate (& maybe vice versa) enough to be default friends against everyone else?

Well I'm done with them.

I've decided to make my own Survey for people to fill and out and forward to all the people who give a good greased up Alli shit.

1. Name: Willam Belli (will-uhm bell-eye)
2. Occupation: Performer/GoGo Hoe-master
3. Volunteer work: I faxed an application to an Animal Shelter but they didn't call me back.
4. First music video seen: Janet Jackson Escapade
5. Hobby: Telling assholes that they are indeed assholes.
6. Communicable Diseases: I caught hemmoroids from the St Louis International Airport. TSA disputes this claim
7. Name if you were drug dealer: Wonka (get it? like the Candyman?)
8. Favorite position: front of line @ bank
9. Idols: Missi Pyle, Jack Plotnick & Paul Lynde
10. Best Compliment ever received: Cop telling me to "move it along sister" when I was in drag walking to my car @ 2am. He totally said "sister" like a he thought I was just a plain old lady whore, not tranny hooker.

Manager/Agent

I was doing my cardio (shopping) and saw the vision in blue.

He was yelling at a girl as she ran into the bar across the street.

I thought, "Wow...Greenpeace has certainly gotten aggressive."

Upon Closer inspection...


I actually heard him use the words "sookie sookie now." I thought it was reserved for farms but good god damn...this was a pimp mating call.

The best part of this was seeing women totally shut this dude down. There was a mom with two teen girls who was screaming at him when he said something that I won't even blog (so you KNOW it's bad) to her 14 yr old. It was insane.



Feeling like the ugly duckling, I walked across the street and snapped this. I like to think I coulda maybe garnered some of his unique praise had I been deemed trick-out-able by him.

Dustpans & Saline

When I did Christina Aguliera's video for the flop song Hurt, her makeup guy told me he really hated the shape of her eyes so he put 3 pairs of lashes on her lids to virtually make a upturned cat shape outta the plain-jane peepers.

So when I saw this I knew he wasn't working with her anymore


It's like she decided to half ass glue some tiny dust pan brooms to her face. BLEND BITCH. People'll be looking into your eyes for all the wrong reasons...That is if they aint staring at the jumungo tata's. I wonder if the milk tastes different with silicone. The same way a tattooed penis tastes like cherries (I've heard)

Crunk & Disorderly

Ghetto Gramma drops it like it's lukewarm

Click it, kids.

This is why I only go to parties with ribs or kegs.

My old granny used to drink too but she was classy enough to pour her beer in a cup...or the pool. Whichev.

Tonight's the night we're NOT gonna make it happen...

Do you know that the Pointer Sisters were so unphotogenic that they needed gauze on the camera lense even when on the Jumbo-Tron. The Boyfriend worked at a stadium back in the day in the midwest and told me all bout it bout it. Sickning faces, y'all.

OK So tonight at the club I dealt with a customer. He was what we call 'cracked out.'


Cracked out means he drank so much he looks dehydrated and probably did some drugs or he's currently high. If the said crackhead did drugs and the dark liquor, he's probably wondering if he's higher or drunker.

Convo with the crackhead went like dis:

ME: it's $7 pleas.
CRACKHEAD: Seven Dollars?! On a Monday!??! Ew.
ME: It's Wednesday.
CRACKHEAD: Whatever...
ME: Just because your dealer stopped calling you back doesn't mean it's Monday, boo. You forgot to factor in Labor Day, Craxsie.

Yes. I called the Crackhead "Craxsie." Bitch had the nerve to ask about drink tickets too after his nasty woman lady friend came paid for his ass.

I was so not excited.

Waking up in Hell

This woke me this morning.

This St. Bernard puppy mouth's was like 17 vaginas coming directly at my face.

The folds, the moisture....

Scared straight? I think so.