Seriously?

Am I overreacting?

Someone over instant message typed "you ever notice how Obama switches his voice and talks Black?"

I was so appalled. I actually just stopped typing and he kept typing HELLO and WTF?.

I have a cousin who sounds just like Jay-Z and he's white and very urban. But he doesn't "talk black" because that's impossible.

It's like saying something tastes purple.

Chicken Cutlets

I ran into Phoebe Price, a woman who's attempting to brand herself as a personality. She's got bad cheek implants, Bratz Doll red weave and has lately taken to wearing late 60's era inspired headbands.

Today I saw her at the fabric store. I was sitting on the floor sorting through buttons and she made me move so she could walk through instead of going around me.


Maybe that was wise, because she was kinda teetering in her hooker boots. White leather with studding. Wow. Tawny Kitaen is barefoot somewhere.

Oh! And pants? who needs them! Just wear a baggy flannel shirt. You trying to be infamous or famous? Girl after my own heart. Go on, you nose-jobbed red headed step child. One thing. Learn that freckles and self tanner DO NOT go together.

Boca might be better...

Seriously. I might retire.
My last few auditions (Dexter, Sarah Connor Chronicles, Mind of Mencia & Kath & Kim) have all resulted in no jobs. Excuses Casting director feedback has ranged from "can't do pretty AND funny" to "we went ethnic" to "No."
These shows all at least called me straight into the producers' session, meaning I went straight to the top instead of being screened by the casting director (a.k.a pre-read). I have a quickie 1 minute reel my agent can send out so they can know I'm competent.

So let me tell you about my adventure with The New Adventures of Old Christine.
I go in last Wednesday in full drag mid afternoon 98 degrees to Warner Brothers. Enter the room, say the 1 line & leave. As I'm driving home, my email blinks up on my phone that I have an appointment with the same office on Monday. Then I realize that only the casting director was in the room and they weren't videoing to cast of tape. I got motherfuckin pre-read.
So I take Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday to work on the one line. "SEE YOU LATER." Quite happy that I have a full day to devote to each syllable.
After the callback, my friend Kelly and I walked out and she was telling me how the Exec Producer lady laughed and commented when she read the one line. She only giggled at mine. I knew Kelly got it. And being so, I saw no further reason to hurt my feet anymore in tacky hooker pumps.

...and I walked to the car barefoot. I left them in there. Ask Kelly. I'm done. Apparently, television is telling me "y'know what?...we're good. take the year off."

Upon arrival at my house, I ate a whole box of Lean Pockets. There's only two in there but still, that's a lot for me. Plus while the first one was cooking, I decided to see if I could gnaw into the frozen one.

I'm really happy for Kelly though. He/She's not even a frenemy. Just a normal friend. I knew I shoulda told casting about the Judging Amy incident in where Tyne Daly got mad after trying to finger Kelly. Oh well. CBS couldn't find her vagina. Up to NBC now.

Hollywood lukewarm Spots

I just got cast in the LA premier of The Life, a musical about hookers in the 80's pre-AIDS Times Square. It's premiering at the historic Stella Adler Theater on Hollywood Blvd so I've been exploring the area a bit more.

My hardcore readers will remember my blog about Kiefer & the oldest gay bar in town. Well the boyfriend & I ventured across the street to Kitchen 24, a slick hipster diner that's filled with all types. Including this guy:


Now far be it from me to judge but this he had to be helped from his booth next to us to the restroom. His table was a mess but I'm sure as soon as he woke up from his crack nap, he was going to straighten it up.

After the manager came over to tell him to get his shit together and apologize to us for the fracas, Mr Can't-handle-his-party was nice enough to offer to pay for the Boyfriend & my breakfasts. We politely declined.

Mostly because it was 7pm.

KiKi von Ikea

I live in an area near Melrose that's called Decorator's Row. Both sides of La Cieniga Blvd near my house is lined with furniture stores, speciality lighting/tile/hardware boutiques and design firms (including Bobby Trendy of Anna Nicole infamy). The Boyfriend and I went to look for rugs at this store and were told that the cheapest rug started at five digits...with no decimal point. Not exactly a bathmat spot.
But walking home, I noticed that a couple of the antique stores have been closing. I guess people are finally realizing that just because it was made 30 + yrs agon doesn't mean it should be sought after. Not everything is an antique. Some shit is just old.

I come from the land of Tastycakes.

My parents were in my hometown Philly a couple weekends ago and met Sarah Palin outside a cheesesteak shop. Ms. Palin was being all campaign-y & actually stuck her head in my parents SUV window calling my four year old nephew "cute." My dad was enough of a gentlemen to wait for her to remove her head before they drove off with my mother yelling "Vote Democratically" out the window. I don't know if 'democratically' was the right word but I'm super proud of them.

My mother was born and raised in Philly and the best part of my life was spent there. It's a rough & tumble town with passionate feelings towards many thing. Consequently, we had/have the only professional sporting facilities with jails in them, Veterans Stadium and the Linc. Rowdy fans have BOO'ed everyone from Dallas Cowboys (rightfully) to Santa Claus (li'l harsh).

Philly fans don't dissappoint in this case either. You can hear the low bass of the boo's around the 20 second mark

Tranny McGuyver online

If anyone wants to see the 15 minute short film online, you can hit this link
Tranny McGuyver @ Indie-Fest

Quick registration to watch it and then vote 5 stars for it!

I win something if it gets votes I think. No electoral college shit.

*editor note: I won.

Gorgin' on America

At GayDays @ Disneyland last week, I saw a lady in a wheelchair being pushed into a restroom by a girl who weighed half what her chaired charge did. The pusher couldn't hold the door and the woman's overhang of weight was getting caught on the door.

So I squeeze by and hold the door open. As soon as I do, a bathroom occupant at the sink yells "Excuse me!" I try to explain that I'm just helping a handicapped woman and she keeps trying to yell and comes at me. She obviously saw what I was doing and it's not like she had her vagina out. She was washing her friggin hands. I made the mistake of telling her to "shut the fuck up" and she looked at me like I was trying to rape her. Oh well. That's what I get for trying to help.

This weekend I went to Vegas. I noticed that this was my second weekend in a row surrounded by morbidly obese people in motorized wheelchairs. Some of these people have no regard for others and their cavalier driving really exhibits this.


This bitch above backed into me with her motorized chair, deadlegs my ass and has the nerve to say "oop...watch out" instead of sorry. She literally knocked me down and looked down at me to say this. OOP my ass, bitch. She was trying to back up to the wall so she could get OUT OF HER CHAIR & amble up to the counter to order her Taco Bell dinner.

Earth needs a girdle. I'm done.

So Cal Tranny McGuyver screening

SoCal Tranny McGuyver Screening
Long Beach Q Film Fest tickets

Closing Night
($15)
Sunday, October 12, 6pm-9pm
3 awesome short films!
Tranny McGuyver (Willam Belli, Darryl Stephens, Calpernia Addams)
Taco Chick and Salsa Girl (w/ Kay Sedia)
READY? OK! (With Michael Emerson-Lost, and Carrie Preston-Desperate Housewives- no clue who they are but the website chose to write that)
Q & A with Film Makers & Crew
VIP Party: 9pm-10pm ($15)

The VIP party shouldn't itimidate. you can just be an IP or a regular P and still get in.

When GoGo's spell

I realized that the apostrophe above isn't neccessary but it what's next is way worse.

I did my GoGo dancer schedule for my 50 or so boys this month. In a few dates, for the first time ever, instead of leaving still open shifts blank, I wrote "TBD."

Six guys emailed me back to ask what TBD meant. One also assumed he was working because he figured I meant his name because it started with a T. The fact that TBD has 3 letters and his has 6 had no bearing either, especially since there's neither a B or a D in his name after the T.

Thank God they mostly get tipped in 1's. Counting in increments larger than single digits would probably be too taxing.

*edited 2 days later because people emailed me asking what TBD meant. To Be Determined. Lord. It must be hard to not be able to work a toaster too. Poor folks.