It's accenting something...

Accent walls are for lazy people. Shut off HGTV, get some blue fucking tape & do the whole goddamn room. Fuckin fat lazy Americans. Does the Louvre or like Buckingham Palace have an accent wall? No.
So finish painting all 3 other walls. No stops for Chocolate 1-point Weight Watcher Bars.

Gogo Dancing thru the Tears

Dear stupid porn star who called me "mean" after I cut them off @ the bar while working for me,

I've seen customer put canes, actual devices used to help with their handicap, inside you. Just the tip but it's not the kind of activities appreciated in @ 11pm on a west hollywood gogo box. Maybe at an afterhours party east of vermont. they go for that shit in Silverlake. dirty fuckers.

I've seen you get so drunk, you think it's OK to sleep in the DJ booth during your breaks. FYI...it's not called "sleeping" if you're napping thru Lady Gaga. It's called passing out.

I almost felt bad the last time I had to fire you. You begged to work the rest of the night so you could afford cab fare home. Didn't quite get to that guilt place though over it because the only reason you couldn't drive like a normal person is your pesky D.U.I.'s.

So if when you're crying in the dressing room, don't tell people it's because I'm mean. You're crying because you're too drunk to control your emotions.

Or maybe that acidic stuff they shot up your ass to get rid of your HPV is making your ladypart burn and you're in pain. Glad you're able to do your films again though.

Oh and p.s. You're not a porn star. You're a porn employee. Stars are people like Jenna Jameson or Tera Patrick or Francois Sagat. Stars are the few unreachable entities. You're definitely well within reach. Please refer to that first paragraph if you're going to attempt to dispute that fact.

We got a 10-29 on a PopTart. Please advise

First we had young gogo JC forgetting how to use a phone when he injured his ankle.

Appliances continue to mystify it seems.

My Boyfriend came home from a club @ 2:30 on a weekday. I was on the couch with a full view of the kitchen, which he went into directly to make himself every drunks best friend- a nice, warm strawberry PopTart.

While waiting for his pastry treat, he went upstairs to charge his phone.
I yelled up to him that it was done when the tart popped up.

Boyfriend came back into the kitchen and opened the microwave. I'm thinking "wtf?"
Boyfriend then turned around and pointed at me like I was Hester Pryne in Scarlet Letter and said "you stole my PopTart!"

Do you think Boyfriend got so drunk and forgot I was an actor? Doesn't he know SAG doesn't let you eat carbs after 7pm?

Or maybe he was just drunk enough that he forgot which appliance is used for which application. I just pray he didn't try to take his contacts out with his electric toothbrush.

this shit writes itself

Today I have to audition for a Jimmy Dean Sausage campaign in drag.

Trannies and meat byproducts. Again with the insert joke here tag.

I'll update everyone to let you know how it went.

*UPDATE*

So it was totally fun. It's a new installment in this series of commercials
Jimmy Dean Sausage Commercial

I hope I book it. But if not, I can just call and complain like this guy. Best part is at the end!