I'm in Miami Croatia, Bitch...

Dear Croatia.

Congratulations on getting the internet! My blog friends have been waiting weeks for my latest entry...and here it is:



For those who would like me to elaborate on the quite visceral point above, read on.

I'm here in Zagreb (Croatia's capital) to do Bloodrayne 3, a movie based on a video game. Customs was a cinch as I've seen more security at urban 7-11's. Then it went downhill. My luggage wasn't there. A Black Hawk Down-looking refugee counter lady told me the airline decided to leave it in London but it would be arrive in a day or two (with my coat inside). Did I mention it was snowing? Sorry. Yea. It was about 10 degrees and snowing.

I got to my hotel, the Westin Zagreb, & checked in. I went into the bathroom, took a sleeping pill & crashed without even turning on the lights. Turning on the lights the next morning made me realize that the Westin here had made a mistake on their website. I guess whoever was in charge thought the rating process involved counting the points on 1 star leading them to advertise a 5-star hotel. Either that or one of the whorey-looking counter girls blew the Hotel Zagat-rating dude. They must've been quite pleased with themselves. "Dah."

Just wondering too. How do you get your hotel rooms to smell like warm hardboiled eggs? Y'know- just in case I miss that scent upon my return to Los Angeles.

OK, OK...I'll try to find something positive about this place. There's caviar at breakfast and lots of fire extinguishers. So Fish & Safety. Gooooo Zagreb!

Pray for me.

Tips for Succeeding at Hooking Up Online

1. Please don't have razor burn in close up pictures of your genitals. You don't need to be manscaped to Brazil but don't have a bush like an afro wig. Lube I'll bring. Hedgeclippers I won't.
2. Don't quote musicals in your online profile.
3. Going to a gym doesn't make you a jock...neither does just wearing one.
4. Hey guys 30 & up- Don't misspell words for youth appeal ("Hey boi, wassup?!") or offer me money.
5. Maybe answer all the obvious questions one would ask should they not be in your profile- STD status, what you're into, any missing limbs.
6. This space is reserved for the men who lie about penis size. Don't measure from behind your balls to the tip. Also, Math Whiz, It's not width x girth = total measurement. In honor of those who round up, we'll skip to Number 8.
8. If you're a bottom, put versatile to look butch.
9. If you're versatile, put top to look butch.
10. No one wants to meet if you're not willing to put a face picture up. Ichabod Crane ain't the only one who got fucked by the Headless Horseman.

I hope this helps out the gays. Mirth & Magnums to you on your next hookup.