Boarding houses used to prohibit prostitutes & actors from renting rooms often in the 1930's. Today, I felt worse than a Devry dropout on dicks for dimes.
While shooting in waist high snow for Bloodrayne 3
today, I was asked the following questions after a take that involved 3 huge trucks going the wrong way down a 1-way, single lane mountain pass road.
1. "Did jhou even read da script?"
2. "Vhat do jhou do for fihve hours in jhour trailer all day?"
3. "Are jhou zhee stooouhpidest aktah in zhee whoule vourld?"
My director is German by the way.
1. Yes. I read your script the day before rehearsal started on the plane to this retched country (not that it matters since every line I have has changed).
2. I sleep, look at the pictures in magazines I don't understand and masturbate in my trailer...but only when my call is 8am and then I don't work until 1:30 in the afternoon!
3. I'd only be the stupidest actor in the whole world if I agreed to do another movie with you. (editor note 5 days later- as an actor, never start a scene unless you know what's going to happen when "Action" is yelled. Uwe helped me learn that. I guess I am a little stupid. Would totally work with him again)
It's nice to have a director though that's so easy to read. I don't have to worry after a take "I wonder what he thinks" because he either yells "Puhrfect...moving on" or "Zhat was shit. Vhat are jhou zhinking?"
It truly shows that some words transcend translation- because every single person on set from our Croatian hair team, French makeup team, Canadian Stunt team, South African special effects team and German camera department knew that calling me "stupid" was not warranted. I felt so dumb and insignificant, like Thumbelinna if she was a hooker who got stiffed by a john, all I could do is yell back and stomp off set through the snow.
It's weird, my character doesn't die at the hands of the Nazi vampires until Saturday, but somehow I'm already dead inside ;)
But y'know, let's not end on a sad note. Let's play a Croatian Guessing Game!
OK...so this is what?a)
a time machine to take me back to when acting brought me joy.b)
a Croatian Hair Dryerc)
a useless, low-wattage piece of shitd)
all the above