as long as there's sidewalks, i'll have a job

My dude.

2011-11-20T12:57:00.000-08:00

Love means sometimes ya get hit...and with my mouth, I understand why. lol.

I love my boyfriend. happy 9 years together.

Willam's Word of the Day

2011-10-07T18:06:00.000-07:00

ENGORGEOUSED (en-gor-jhustd) adj. 1. the state of being big and beautiful. 2. rotundabley cute.

Let's use it in a sentence:

I heard crunching in my backseat while Vicky Vox was killing a can of Pringles and when i looked in the rearview mirror, she was still engorgeoused with her makeup perfectly still in place happily chewing.

you're welcome.

WILLAM

Jersey Shoresical one mo' 'gain.

2011-08-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

Come see the Jersey Shoresical: A Frickin' Rock Opera at the NY Fringe Fest's Encore Series. We won best ensemble so they want us back. We're good at winning and drinking and being loud..

http://www.ticketweb.com/snl/Search.action?query=jersey+shoresical

Get them now! We will sell out. J-WoWW guarantees it.

Fistpump.

So you wanna be an actor (a.k.a. So you wanna be a semi-pro dick sucker...)

2011-08-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

I've been away for a while working. I'm in Jersey Shoresical in NYC right now and will be continuing with the show through September in which ever theater it ends up in on the east &/or west coast.

Note to all actors. Pulling focus is most important when other people are talking. As an actor, you must rememeber you're more important than anyone else on stage (at all times). Other actors should not move on your jokes, exits, or laughs. Stage managers should know not to use a transgendered individual's dick tape to rig up lights. That's GAFF tape.

Tanning is more important that remembering lines. Be better than everyone else. If someone cries, you've won...& If you thought it wasn't a competition, you've already lost so good luck in day job land.

Oh and don't forget to spray lots of Sally Hansen leg makeup near people's props. They like it.

Current vs. Former

2011-06-02T00:42:00.000-07:00

One of these gogo boys works for me and one doesn't.

If you click to englarge the pic, I bet you can tell me which one is still employed and which one ~~wins~~loses by a nose.

Let it snow.
WILLAM

Dear Dept. of Trans.

2011-05-30T15:38:00.001-07:00

Really?

Can you tell me who you think would try to make that a THROUGH street?

What would they be looking for? Narnia?

The only thing unsafer than blind drivers is taking pictures while you drive.

Well look who's....open?

2011-05-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Madison,

You're a ritzy ladie's boutique on a nice section of Melrose.

That's why I'm confused by your current window.

You're clearly sending mixed messages with your displays.

Also splayed,
WILLAM

Dear GNC

2011-05-27T02:25:00.000-07:00

Dear GNC,

I know you can get Vitamins and Protien Powder. Do you sell silicone too or did your model get that done at some tranny pumping party?
But how about Paxil? Is that available at your store?

...because this bitch looks depressed

Frankly, by the looks of it, you should change the slogan to maybe something like "Live Holocaustly."

Seriously? Why that face?

WILLAM

People be coming to shows & shit.

2011-05-26T13:09:00.001-07:00

Come see me as Billie Jean in INVINCIBLE The Legend of Billie Jean at Casita del Campo's Cavern Club Theater.

This is an awesome shit show of a rock musical that you will LOVE. This BroadwayWorld article may be the closest we get to Broadway until next year so come check it out. Hellen Slater herself may even be at the show!

Fair is Fair.

Invinciblelive.com for tickets but check out Goldstar too.

I can't even look at you right now without shaking my head.

2011-04-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Brave Transsexual soul.

Congrats on taking the next step to transitioning by legally changing you name and posting notice in the LA Weekly as required by law (see heart shaped section).

But ~~dude~~girl- c'mon. Your first name was the word MAN in it. I'm assuming you're not going for passable here- yes? Plus you want people to call you Vanilla St. James, which sounds like a prostitute from a 1950s-set James Ellroy novel who done wrong but has a heart of gold.

So Vanilla, I beg you. In a year, when you go to buy cigs & coconut snowball at 1am on the way home and the cashier asks for your ID with your debit card, do you want that late-shift prick to think "WOMAN" or "Whoa-Man!" while he chortles? The li'l bastard is gonna say he needs to get his manager and make a joke outta you.

And you are no joke. You are Vanilla St. James, goddammit.

Caption This: NSFW xxx Edition

2011-04-10T13:27:00.000-07:00

So a new gogo boy I hired for Boxmeat (my stripper/gogo booking company) told me did some "film work." I quickly determined these films weren't so much ones with acting but more so ones with titles like Chocolate-Covered Crackers.

And while his films lean towards a blue side, there's no shortage of icons as you can see below.

Let's caption it, shall we?

LUCY (with the side eye): Ethel, Come look what li'l Ricky's doing.
LIZ: Really? Raw? Shit- you're the faggots I'm going to be raising money for soon.
BARBRA: So THAT'S where Nickie Arnstien disappears to...

You're welcome for allowing me to show you the worst porn backdrop ever. Very Luriddigs.com but I found this one on my own! I'm a researcher and explorer on par with Sir Francis Drake.

Funny sh*t.

2011-03-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

The girls at Working Bug entertainment are both redheads who I should check for the mark of the witch cause they so god damn funny it aint't Christ-like.

They let me play in their new web series SOUP (a Series Of Unfortunate People) about the kinda folks everyone knows one of.

Here's my video blog with my character Kami. She's an urban marketer and by that I mean she yells "bitch better get dat money" by the old Del Taco on Highland in Hollywood.

A Series of Unfortunate People: Vlog - Kami by SeriesOfUnfortunatePeople

Check out the full length episodes too. You'll pee.

Edit

2011-03-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

Dear TMZ

I corrected your oversight.
Some coverage would be nice.
Haircut my big gay ass.

Sincerly,
anonymous extension enthusiast.

2011-03-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

So excited to have made the trailer for HBO's Cinema Verite as Candy Darling. It'll be on TV in April.

It's totally my Moulin Rouge. I sing, I dance, I die (well Candy died like 8 years later but whatever. I feel so important in this! I haven't played a character with a last name on a show since Nip/Tuck. lol.

Dear people I might be smarter than.

2011-03-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

Even though I only went to high school until the age of 16 and don't understand why iPads don't have stickies on the back like Post-its, I still astound myself with brilliance.

Behold:

This is my foolproof trick for how not to lose your lipstick when drinking out of a cup. Double them so the fat part of your lip goes between the two cups thereby saving your lipgloss in the middle (so it can be properly deposited later on a dick).

you're welcome.

(applause followed by mummerings of a Nobel prize)

Word of the day pt 9

2011-03-08T11:33:00.000-08:00

TRANSGENEROUS (derived from transgendered; adjective)- the act or state of being unselfish while not in the sex your birth certificate says.

Let's use it in a sentence!

I hate Halloween 'cause everyone expect me to be all transgenerous with my fineries.
(eff that).

My actress friend Noureen Dewulf came up with this actually but I've appropriated it as mine since she don't need it as she's very successful lol.

Word of the Day pt 7

2011-03-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

SHIPFACED (adjective) schip-facsed- the quality or look one has for the week after drinking on a cruise ship when they go back to normal life

Let's use it in a sentence:

Yea I'm SHIPFACED now but girl the Atlantis cruise was great other than running out of Viagra and Dramamine.

anyone booking any boat trips? i want to perform with my band or bingo or drag sisters.

is anyone out there at all? I feel like i'm blogging into some deep dark vagina or the Aladdin cave of secrets.

Word of the Day pt 6.

2011-03-01T02:55:00.000-08:00

HOEDACITY (noun) hoe-dah-si-tee Having or possessing the unmitigated gall to approach/step to/mack on an indvidual who you know is in a relationship.

Let's use it in a sentence:
Damn Rhea got some HOEDACITY to hit on that guy when she knows he's straight and has a girlfriend.

Hoedacity.

you're welcome.

Pin-the-tail-on-the-Tragedy.

2011-01-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

My favorite thing about all the new Facebook friends I'm getting is looking at their pictures and being thankful for all I have. After I give gratitude to above, I start to judge these poor crossdresser souls and pick apart their lives through pictures finding fault/wrongs. I stopped looking after 10 things due to exhaustion but feel free to add more in the comment section.

1. Drop ceiling/possible asbestos
2. Non-incandescent bulbs increasing energy costs unneccesarily
3. Fans? really?
4. Water Damage
5. Its Face (kudos on the tan though, Mama)
6. Split ends
7. FUPA/Gunt (can a queen can have a "fat upper pussy area" or is a Gut-Cunt combo is more appropriate?)
8a/8b. Webbed toes in an open toe shoe. Tacky. Shave your damn legs.
9. Dubious nature of person's gender/ General slovenly appearance
10. Why did we go silver on the backdrop here? Did we run out of black plastic trashbags to hang?

You're Welcome.

2011-01-23T18:34:00.000-08:00

I've decided to start a career in proofreading. I've fixed L'Oreal's oversight on the color/model credit (click to enlarge).

It's like "Who the fuck do you think you're kidding?" Remember like when Rachel Marron/Whitney's sis in The Bodyguard was playing with her hair figuring out how to wear it to the Oscars? You know she shoulda just said, "Eff this sis, I'm going swimming" and plopped that obvious wiggy wig wig on a styrofoam head.

facebook f*ckers

2011-01-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

I'm on Facebook. I get a lot of requests daily to which I say YES. Usually it's someone who sees me on TV or a video and wants to know "what's up."

Sometimes it's more specific like "what's up my dress" or "what can I put in you." Small talk like that. It's then that I kindly direct them to read the actualy profile which lists MALE and MARRIED.

Some persist as you can see.

Do you get messages like this where you work?

Jessica Simpson kinda wishes you good shit in December

2010-12-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

"Baby It's Cold Outside" was not Jessica's first choice for a holiday single. It's about date rape. She says "...no no no" and "I really can't stay."

WTF about more than half of sexual assaults being by an acquaintance.

Happy Christmas (if you can get past the rape).

Watch it on LOGO or World of Wonder. Each view will count for one dollar donated towards getting Ashlee a new job since she got off'd Melrose Place. Me thinks someone shoulda figured out how to suck Aaron Spelling's dick from beyond the grave.

I don't even have to write anything...

2010-11-02T12:27:00.001-07:00

This is hilarious.

It's very swank. Hilary swank being that it's backwoods and an award.

I hope someone posts this on my IMDB. I can't believe I won an award for a movie I'm HORRIBLE in.

I'd like to thank the fine people at the Southern Appalachia International Film Festival for this honor.

Is there a waiting period for a gun in California?

The Vagina Song

2010-10-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

My idols are people like Jackie Beat, SNL cast members and others who can just be brilliantly funny and make it look effortless. The first time my mother showed me Gilda Radner and my dad showed me Madeline Kahn in Clue, I knew college would probably not be a good path.

This is my imitation of all those people.

I was going to put a paypal.com link for my vagina jar but that would be greedy. Here's a secret though. I don't actually want a vagina "there". I want one for my purse. I'm always digging for change at parking meters and I think it would be a really efficient way to never do that again.

Tranimals at the movies

2010-10-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

NYC trade- Go see it at Cinema Village Oct 15-22 at least (22 E. 12th st)

LA trickbitches- Go see it at the Laemmle Sunset 5 Oct 22-29 at least (8000 W. Sunset Blvd)

San Francisco pantysniffers- Go see it at the Roxie Theater Nov 2nd- ? (3117 16th St.)

Chicago boosters- coming soon.

You can also Netflix it or order on Amazon for like $16 I think.

If you catch me at a screening, share your twizzlers and worship it.

Bandied about

2010-09-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to join up with this band comprised of old Club Makeup folks and fresh new talent. The LA Weekly provided some cute coverage here and here with videos & pics.

Now this picture makes it look like Detox and Momma (left & right, respectively) are providing additional vocals for a leading turn by me. But Mama didn't raise no fool. My real mom, not the Dragzilla one. Would Tina, Christina, Beyonce let some honkie queen harmonize? I think not. I only go with the industry standard Black-up singers. I'm a soul tran.

If I can squeam It

2010-09-09T15:42:00.000-07:00

It's episode 28. Simon Fuller of American Idol and X-Factor fame latest attempt to force mediocrity on the public.

If I Can Dream It (ep 28)

The supermodel girl was stunning (& not dumb to boot) and the boy that came had a sweet voice but was just so painfully stand off-ish. It's great trying to promote someone and have them answer in one word answers.

Oh well. When I was 19, I was an extra mostly. Least he's going for it. Needs some scandal though since one of the other cast members Justin used to slip it to Miley C.
Ante up, Alex.

My August

2010-08-30T16:30:00.001-07:00

I've been super busy this past month so I skipped blogging. I joined a band called Transkuntinental. We play rocked out mash-ups at the Roxy on Sunset and The Echoplex. Between those gigs, I found out my grandmother died of melanoma right after I stepped outta the tanning bed. That may be God's way of telling me my new "if you can't tone it- Tan it" rule should be scrapped.

What else did I do this August? I worked on an HBO movie all month with my friend Detox and Kyle Raibko (who's like Jesus famous in Canada apparently and will be in the States after his debut on 90210 as the new gay kid). That was super fun. I play Candy Darling in 2012's Cinema Verite and got to act opposite Diane Lane.

For the film, Kyle and I were lucky enough to record at the famous Capitol Records. Our technician there told us that back in the 70's, voting for the Grammy Awards was done at studios. The soundbooth we were in was actually used as the headquarters for this one groupie girl who did sound checks on people's cocks...for a three full days before they kicked her out.

I think this entrepewhorial lady actually invented the first gifting suite. Now it's just all sunglasses and crap. Ah- yester year.

Beauty & the Meat 3!

2010-08-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

To preface this entry, I need to say the dress is early 90's Versace in honor of the patron saint of strippers, Ms. Nomi Malone (nee Polly Ann Costello/ a.k.a. that whore from the Cheetah).

Now onto the meat- Beauty & the Meat! I want you to check out the latest video and comment on the youtube page. I say funny shit so you'll laugh.

After your tummy settles from all the giggles I give, you can watch it on 'mute' and jerk off while staring at Yoni's cum-gutter abs.

You're welcome.

STUNNING @ First & Hope

2010-07-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

Come out and hit the new classy-ass dinner show at First & Hope, a new speak easy/Cotton Club type of throwback eatery/hotspot.

Calpernia Addams, Detox Icunt, myself and others will be doing an hour long LIVE dinner show. No lipsynching. I'll be doing an homage to drive by's & some Nina Simone.

Included in the ticket price is a four course gourmet meal, one handjob (redeemable only on-site) and free valet parking (really it's a homeless dude who will alternate between napping, urinating & smoking crack in your car, but whatevs-it's downtown).

Click here for Tickets to Stunning @ First & Hope

Don't F(eed) with Texas.

2010-07-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Texas,
Please talk to your local sex workers. Muffintopping your underwear is one thing.

But this is like doublestuff sheetcake pan overflow disaster on TLC's Cake Wars. I'm shocked that this is what cuts it to gogo dance in fort worth.
They wouldn't even let this guy in the bath houses here in LA...on a WEEKDAY.

Love,
Boxmeat, Inc.

Dear 200 lb tumor lady,

2010-07-04T14:38:00.000-07:00

I just watched your story on Discovery Health. A whole hour of tumor removal programming during the dinner hour. Not so hot. Let's program it mid afternoon next time.

Also, in the event that you get another tumor- you may want to address the problem before it gets to the 200 lb. mark. Maybe check in with a doctor when it hits 75 lbs or at the least the triple digit mark.

Just a suggestion.

WILLAM

Proud?

2010-06-15T15:42:00.001-07:00

I was lucky enough to attend the largest film festival in North America this weekend (Seattle International Film Festival coverage) so I didn't get to attend Los Angeles' Gay Pride.

But my boyfriend managed to capture some images of pride parade goers. This gentleman was loading up with liquor. Now before you say that Pride is just an excuse for bad taste, I impolore you to notice his panache. That hat is an exact color match to his prosthetic limb. Daring to work a coochie cutter pair of shorts shows he's a fashion risktaker, too.

The supermarket is your runway!

Just a little reminder, my dear CZJ

2010-05-31T00:35:00.001-07:00

Hi.

You're walking on the street in a sheared mink coat with a $10,000+ Birkin bag.
AND A FUCKIN' SCRUNCHIE!?!?!?!

I need you to respect yourself just one goddamn iota, Catherine Zeta Jones. Because this picture shows how easy it is to go from CZJ, Oscar-winner & marrier-well-er, to just plain, ol' Kathy Jones.

Love Willam
p.s. you are NOTHING without the Zeta.

Crazy with a side of sad

2010-05-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

So the person that spearheaded the bomb/ban/protest Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives film is at it again.

This time, she's writing on Huffington Post a diatribe about Ryan Murphy's old show nip/tuck being offensive...even though Ryan hasn't written barely any of the show since like 2005.

She attacked Candis Cayne, Famke Janssen & I. Her blurb 'bout me below:

Mr. Belli, a gay male actor with an offensive "transface" act, in which he mockingly impersonates transsexual women, was also on "Nip/Tuck". Belli's character has the drag queen name "Cherry Peck", sees oneself as "gay" and is called a "tra**y". The "Ava Moore" character in Nip/Tuck is a transsexual woman who is depicted as mentally unstable, a deceiver and is even accused by her own son of incest, implying she's a "pervert". It's unbelievable that someone in the LGBT community could allow us to be depicted like this.

I'm sorry but everyone knows Ava Moore was a bad ass and probably a lot of people's favorite thing ever on the show. She brings up Lance Black, quoting him out of context to make it look like he supports her when in reality, Lance actually shadow directed Ryan Murphy in season 2 of the show. I guess Lance must not have been so disgusted, huh?

I guess Ashley didn't see Pretty Handsome either? Ryan tried to get a show on the air (w/ Ralph Fiennes & Alexandra Billings) about a transsexual woman who was to begin her transition in season 1 and would be completely female by season 4. It didn't get picked up but the pilot was awesome.

I'm fine with criticism when it's constructive. But when is the last time this girl created something instead of just complaining about something that someone else made?

Knowlege is power.*

*Editor's note: I'm a fucking idiot. I actually wrote "knowlege is power" and spelled knowledge wrong.

Mann vs man

2010-05-23T23:41:00.000-07:00

Proper noun verses noun.

Mann vs. man

Lovely actress, married well...but if I were her, seeing this would make me take to my room and order $40 worth of deli food...to play chew & spit and then cry about.

What ever happened to class?

2010-05-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

1. Alyssa Milano was in the back of the taxi with me in NYC last week (on the taxi-cam TV). Worse so for her, no truer has a picture ever relayed that you can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take the Jersey outta the girl. She has clip on mall hair that even Fraggles would turn up their nose at.

Your syntheic piece of Jessica Simpson bad weave ponytail attachments shows you still dont know who the boss is when it comes to weave. Un-Charmed. bleh.

2. Hey Fubar- are your Wednesday ngihts really that dead that your hot bartender Jay-R is forced to wander down to Hamburger Mary's and pass out during my Bingo outside? File this one under baby-needs-some-sleep and take two Tylenol PM.

3. Intervention's editors/camera men did well illustrating just how low drug use leads its' subjects. I really like how they included the Gucci purse in the frame of a shot showing this girl snorting crystal meth off a sidewalk through a tampon casing.
And what of the Sugar-free Monster energy drink that's also in frame? Not exactly a ringing endorsement for that product when the poor girl has to resort to amphetimines to further energize her.

4. .I took this pic last week so i could address the mostly Mexican contingent of parking attendants of Los Angeles- Kudos to actually showing up for work on what I understand is your country's July 4th. However, in consideration of your national pride, I'll take the parking duties on my car this Cinco De Mayo (& everyone after). Why? Oh maybe it's the PITCHER OF MARGARITAS on your valet stand!
Tequila has a smell that brings me straight back to childhood and there's no mistaking it. Back away from my Benz.

5. I hope this picture wraps things up. In keeping with the theme of classlessness, I'd like to let you know that at least one of these Press-On nails ended up in my wig and another got caught in my fishnets when I took a leak. I had to abandon it down there to save the other airbrushed beauties.

Dear Bitches with Bombs

2010-05-17T23:06:00.001-07:00

See these faces?

They ain't sweating you, you Tran Coulter'ing-bitches.

I guess you know (now) that calling in bomb threats to showings of Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives will not help your ploy to shut this movie down. It will only result in more press for the film. Oh...and hot cops at our screenings. May the force be with us.

The only bad thing that happened when you showed up on my red carpet was the $3,172 Versace shoes I'm wearing in that above picture breaking. I was ready to strip naked in the middle of Nieman's if they weren't going to refund me. Thankfully, for all the rich ladies shopping, they did. I consider it a Mulligan from God telling me to never buy (well- charge, really) something so frivolous again.

So here's your Mulligan, Tran Coulters. When you show up to protest at the QCinema screenings in Fort Worth or the Seattle International Film Festival, please make your arguments concise, look cute and if you say you got bombs, bring bombs. Otherwise my couture riot gear will look just look like a GaGa rip-off.

Love your hair/hope you win (said about as sincerly as a Texan second runner up to anything)
WILLAM

Something tells me...

2010-05-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

that this was a free shirt.

(*editor's note: to whoev said I should blur the head out on facebook- if i blurred the face, you'd see he was way more Salma H than Salman R & that joke def wouldn't play)

The Director, The Actors & One hell of a dirty Interview

2010-05-06T17:37:00.001-07:00

ImFromDriftwood.com deals with gay people's stories. Reichen being in the airforce, sad coming out tomes, and other GLBT tales. I did an interview for them and mine was too dirty for broadcast on that site. So they put it up on AKAWilliam.com, one of my favorite websites that I hit daily for news/entertainement. They gave some pretty good coverage of coverage Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives too which you can see by clicking link. I personally loved my directors ImFromDriftwood interview when he talks about reading boxcover descriptions of porn to his illiterate uncle.

You can see my read-for-filth interview here. Words like Hippobottomless and Tranimal abound.

Willam Belli "Hippobottomless" from AKA William on Vimeo.

Most of it's true too. Except that part about my veneers. These babies aren't going anywhere. Make sure you pour some cocoa butter in your ear so your brain won't be scarred by all the stupidness I'm giving.

Press up against me with your BBC

2010-04-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

This is probably the only time in my career that BBC doesn't mean big black cock either. It's the British Broadcasting Company, baby. Bigtime.

Today was Press day for Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives. The lead of the film, Krystal Summers, along with director Israel Luna and I tackled Reuters, Elle.com, BBC, Getty Images, Huffington Post, ImFromDriftwood.com, and many others. Towards then end of the day, Jenna Skyy and Erica Andrews joined us. We all wore nude and taupes and beiges for one photo layout (i think for HuffPo). It looked like a Vanity Fair spread except ethnically diverse. Plus, Erica helped me with my look. Her process of doing that is to go through my purse and take out the makeup she thinks I don't need. Love you, Ms. Andrews!

Can you spot the difference in this Life Magazine photo that was published of me from the Tribeca Premier?

Israel did a little wrap up interview for me after the fast talking BBC dude dealt me some hard questions. People with accents intimidate me.

I got free MAC products too. God bless a friendly faggot. Love those MAC boys!

Advocate article

2010-04-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

Go read my article and out-comment the haters at The Advocate website.

I'm so tired of their diatribes and bland Neutrogena faces. Most people who were born XY can't pull off beige and taupe. Get some contour already!

The article doesn't mention the few that I've been enjoying talking to online from the protest side. I especially like Laverne from I Want To Work For Diddy & Transform Me on VH1. She should not be lumped into the paragraph above this because she's good looking and can probably beat my ass like I stole something.

Talk Dirty to the Tranimals

2010-04-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

John Waters had this to say about Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives:

"The best word in it is someone says, ‘I’m sorry, I’m a tranimal.’ I love that word! That should be the title.”

I made up that line for the movie! John Waters officially thinks something I did is good. Read the rest here.

Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives premiers at the Tribeca Film Festival this week. I kinda of dread things like this because for every amazing event like this in my career, there's 5 Don't Forget The Lyrics auditions where I do just that. Fuck you Hotel California- I'm sorry I didn't know lovely face went before lovely place.

First runner up is the first loser right?

2010-04-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

Well I lost to a lip syncher, albeit a very good one. Glen Allen was painted half Elphaba/half Glinda and did a Wicked mega mix.

I guess my simple Sex & the City/~~Glamorous~~Tranny-ish Life/Jessie Spano Saved by the Bell song was too obscure. I even put on my sparkle panties and gave serious body. Watch below. The sound is sorta punched at first but it gets better.

Oh well. Last time when I won, a chola bitch queen told me that I needed to "take off my heels and be ready to fight." I replied with "seriously? does some bitch want to cut me?"

After she pulled out her blade to prove the ghetto queen cliche is true, she made it clear that she didn't have a problem but obviously, my beauty was not excused (if you don't get that last reference you NEED to watch Steven on Cops)

You may not be laughing, but check the grin lady

2010-04-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

Damn. They've got brass ones.

First, some renegade transgroup pressures GLAAD into ~~waging a censorship war~~ issuing a "call to action" against Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, a movie most of the 11-14 attendess haven't seen.

Then they have the gall to show up looking haggard. Seriously, I've seen better hairstyles on lesser-known Muppets.

Well Laverne Cox looks polished & put on some lashes at least...although lashes in the daytime at all leads to judgement calls about taste.

But how on earth is the person on the left going to smile in a photo for a protest with the accompanying text below?

"It's not a laughing matter. We're not laughing at all."

Really? I don't remember smiles at Kent State or any pro-life rallies I've seen coverage of.

Guess some just want to show up for the press. You shoulda spent less time on the internet spewing hate & lies and more time on signs that weren't made with bedsheets and crayola.

Strippers are people too...kinda.

2010-04-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

Almost everyone in Hollywood is a slash. Waiter/Singer. Assistant/Writer. Actor/Hooker/Building Super.

My slash is Performer/Entrepewhore.

I usually never combine my performing with my Boxmeat, Inc. gogo booking business but Dennis Hensley, Unzipped magazine and Gay.com gave me my own little show!

Check it out on the Gay.com link and PLEASE COMMENT ON THE GAY.COM WEBSITE! Comments are very helpful in getting us more shows.

Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives vs. GLAAD

2010-03-25T14:55:00.001-07:00

It's been a busy week for me. I got back from 6 weeks filming in Europe, had 3 auditions and GLAAD decided to boycott a film I'm starring in. Fun, huh?

GLAAD has flat out lies on their website. They knew about this movie a while ago. It's Kill Bill for the GLBT set and is scary where it should terrify, funny when there's jokes (about appropriate material) and wham-bam-glam in the action sequences.

Three out of five (more than half) of the leading ladies in this film are actual transgender transsexuals. They taught me many things. Watch the video below and you'll see.

I was so happy doing the film and I think you can see that in my disposition in the clip. The only thing the transsexual girls (& I) in the movie objected to were the 110 degree Texas heat we filmed in. Wigs & weaves retain too much damn heat.

I have the smartest friends

2010-03-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of the animosity.

Is God into Girl-on-Girl or something? He and the Holy Ghost like to sit around, shoot the shit and watch a little tepid, teenage cunnilingus from above?

I think my friend G. Charles Wright would agree that they are limiting themselves through their own hate...literally. I guess LESBIANS wouldn't fit on the signs.

Anne Frank's house had shitty Feng Shui

2010-03-15T20:22:00.000-07:00

Do NOT utter the above line in or near the Anne Frank house while in Amsterdam. I said it while looking for a bathroom and waiting in a convoluted line. I was just trying to wash the ketchup off my hands from eating the fries they sell all over the city that I was munching on...because I was high.

My boyfriend said I ate more in 36 hours than he's seen me eat in whole weeks. Waffles, pancakes, fries, burgers, *brownies*-Amsterdam does food good. Being that I was blasted out of my skull, this is all I really remember.

This is just some house I thought was cool. Maybe those CandyLand homos Lord Peppermint and King Kandy finally shacked up or something.

This poster was super misleading. I really thought that they was going to be a cat in a tiara at the Diamond Museum. There wasn't. Pussy is a let down.

These are where the whore ladies work in the Red Light District. Red lights make the sores blend easier. These whorehouses (Yes I went in one) had shitty Feng Shui too. Well, actually, her name was Susie and she was only part Indonesian but the menu board said she'd do scat play so there you go.

Attention Passengers of Indian descent:

2010-03-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm very sorry to have to single some of you out first of all. I know you don't have toilet paper in your country and cows are Jesus there so right off the bat, we have some differences. But this needs to be addressed.

The first class lounge should not be used as a venue to moisturize your gnarly feet, paying special attention to get between each toe then put on the free socks you just recieved in your first class goodie bag.

If you fail to comply with this suggestion, please at least refrain from eating a croissant directly after without wiping off your hands.

Noncompliance will result in the removal of all your electronic adapters & gold jewelry (or at least 3 of the 4 rings on your right hand).

Take that behavior to the business class lounge. That shit don't fly in first.

Seriously,
WILLAM

As soon as you stop learning, you die.

2010-03-11T10:12:00.000-08:00

What's this?

It's _____.
a) Unappetizing.
b) Sad.
c) Croatian for Sushi.
d) all the above

One step above whore.

2010-03-11T09:42:00.000-08:00

Boarding houses used to prohibit prostitutes & actors from renting rooms often in the 1930's. Today, I felt worse than a Devry dropout on dicks for dimes.

While shooting in waist high snow for Bloodrayne 3 today, I was asked the following questions after a take that involved 3 huge trucks going the wrong way down a 1-way, single lane mountain pass road.

1. "Did jhou even read da script?"
2. "Vhat do jhou do for fihve hours in jhour trailer all day?"
3. "Are jhou zhee stooouhpidest aktah in zhee whoule vourld?"

My director is German by the way.

To answer....
1. Yes. I read your script the day before rehearsal started on the plane to this retched country (not that it matters since every line I have has changed).
2. I sleep, look at the pictures in magazines I don't understand and masturbate in my trailer...but only when my call is 8am and then I don't work until 1:30 in the afternoon!
3. I'd only be the stupidest actor in the whole world if I agreed to do another movie with you. (editor note 5 days later- as an actor, never start a scene unless you know what's going to happen when "Action" is yelled. Uwe helped me learn that. I guess I am a little stupid. Would totally work with him again)

It's nice to have a director though that's so easy to read. I don't have to worry after a take "I wonder what he thinks" because he either yells "Puhrfect...moving on" or "Zhat was shit. Vhat are jhou zhinking?"

It truly shows that some words transcend translation- because every single person on set from our Croatian hair team, French makeup team, Canadian Stunt team, South African special effects team and German camera department knew that calling me "stupid" was not warranted. I felt so dumb and insignificant, like Thumbelinna if she was a hooker who got stiffed by a john, all I could do is yell back and stomp off set through the snow.

It's weird, my character doesn't die at the hands of the Nazi vampires until Saturday, but somehow I'm already dead inside ;)

But y'know, let's not end on a sad note. Let's play a Croatian Guessing Game!

OK...so this is what?

a) a time machine to take me back to when acting brought me joy.
b) a Croatian Hair Dryer
c) a useless, low-wattage piece of shit
d) all the above

Girl walks into a bar...Oh wait. this isn't a joke

2010-03-09T01:47:00.001-08:00

This is Croatian for HOTSPOT!

Girl walks into a bar with a hamster- she said cats are welcome, too- that she just got for her 17th birthday. She said she was teaching him to smoke while she did shots. I'm sure she was joking but maybe that'll be her ticket out of this country. Ringling Brothers is always looking for smoking rodentia. Maybe if she can stand on her head, Cirque will call.

Oh- don't be thinking this is a Gere/Gerbil joke. This was a straight bar. Nothng gay about this place other than when I tip 10%, it's like a pride parade. I haven't gotten laid since I've been here because I'm afraid the penises would taste like sadness.

The average tip here is "nothing-5%" the barmaid said. My co-star Lindsay Hollister & I have never seen so much poorly dyed hair or suspicious looking moles. Lindsay plans to go back to America, become an oncologist and come back to make millions here.

Everyone smokes here, even in movie theaters. So much so the actual treatment for all the aforementioned unchecked moles is to take a cigarette & just burn it off. Cancer stick to cancel Cancer. Sort of a double negative equals a positive. If it grows back though, you're fucked. And that's Croatian for diagnostics.

Drag Idol Finals this Sunday!

2010-03-07T04:55:00.001-08:00

Please come out and support me at the Drag Idol Finals at Oasis in Upland.

If you can't, check out my last performance there that qualified me for the finals.

It's all about how a bitch fucked up and then got reported to the Better Business Bureau of America.

Croatian Guessing Game!

2010-03-01T06:21:00.000-08:00

What is this?

If you replied to yourself "poorly cropped," you're an asshole with no spirit for gaming.

It's a Croatian refrigerator! Electric is for those civilized places like Vienna and Prague. Zagreb does it the home-spun way. Just put the shit you want cold outside in the cold. Done & Done.

Come summer, they gonna be eating some nasty ass yogurt though.

I'm in Miami Croatia, Bitch...

2010-02-14T01:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Croatia.

Congratulations on getting the internet! My blog friends have been waiting weeks for my latest entry...and here it is:

For those who would like me to elaborate on the quite visceral point above, read on.

I'm here in Zagreb (Croatia's capital) to do Bloodrayne 3, a movie based on a video game. Customs was a cinch as I've seen more security at urban 7-11's. Then it went downhill. My luggage wasn't there. A Black Hawk Down-looking refugee counter lady told me the airline decided to leave it in London but it would be arrive in a day or two (with my coat inside). Did I mention it was snowing? Sorry. Yea. It was about 10 degrees and snowing.

I got to my hotel, the Westin Zagreb, & checked in. I went into the bathroom, took a sleeping pill & crashed without even turning on the lights. Turning on the lights the next morning made me realize that the Westin here had made a mistake on their website. I guess whoever was in charge thought the rating process involved counting the points on 1 star leading them to advertise a 5-star hotel. Either that or one of the whorey-looking counter girls blew the Hotel Zagat-rating dude. They must've been quite pleased with themselves. "Dah."

Just wondering too. How do you get your hotel rooms to smell like warm hardboiled eggs? Y'know- just in case I miss that scent upon my return to Los Angeles.

OK, OK...I'll try to find something positive about this place. There's caviar at breakfast and lots of fire extinguishers. So Fish & Safety. Gooooo Zagreb!

Pray for me.

Tips for Succeeding at Hooking Up Online

2010-02-02T03:18:00.000-08:00

1. Please don't have razor burn in close up pictures of your genitals. You don't need to be manscaped to Brazil but don't have a bush like an afro wig. Lube I'll bring. Hedgeclippers I won't.
2. Don't quote musicals in your online profile.
3. Going to a gym doesn't make you a jock...neither does just wearing one.
4. Hey guys 30 & up- Don't misspell words for youth appeal ("Hey boi, wassup?!") or offer me money.
5. Maybe answer all the obvious questions one would ask should they not be in your profile- STD status, what you're into, any missing limbs.
6. This space is reserved for the men who lie about penis size. Don't measure from behind your balls to the tip. Also, Math Whiz, It's not width x girth = total measurement. In honor of those who round up, we'll skip to Number 8.
8. If you're a bottom, put versatile to look butch.
9. If you're versatile, put top to look butch.
10. No one wants to meet if you're not willing to put a face picture up. Ichabod Crane ain't the only one who got fucked by the Headless Horseman.

I hope this helps out the gays. Mirth & Magnums to you on your next hookup.

Dear Jamie Lee Curtis.

2010-01-30T19:23:00.000-08:00

I hope you're making lots of money through your promotion of Activia. Maybe you can keep all that cash in the space your penis or supposed missing uterus shoulda been.

But who directed this implausible commercial? No one invites their friends over and gives them yogurt that MAKES THEM SHIT.

And even if they did, I'm sure the art department would've realized that person's couch would most likely have a slipcover.

In my opinion, one's management team should NEVER let them endorse anything that is below one's sternum.

WILLAM

Dear Agent,

2010-01-28T17:47:00.000-08:00

Do you like my dreadlocks?
They took almost three hours to do.

It was for that new show you sent me in on- Justified starring Timothy Olyphant.

I would like to thank you for telling me the character I auditioned for had a Southern accent.

You got that? I WOULD LIKE TO...But I can't. Because as specific as you were with needing dreadlocks, no one thought to tell me the show was set in the South and the dialect should follow suit.

The Casting Departments comments to you were "it was nice meeting him but he didn't commit to the accent." TRANSLATION- No. Not "No Thanks." Just no. He's stupid by the way.

Oh- now I see it in the notes you emailed to me. But I didn't check my email. Just went off the info you gave me on the phone. So it's my stupid ass actor fault but still.

Thanx plenty, dearhearts.

Good, Better, Best WORST.

2010-01-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

Good. Fake lashes blended. Natural & loving it. This is as flawless as your performance in Precious (& your role in the underated Shadowboxer where Helen Mirren & Cuba Gooding, Jr have Jungle Fever)

Better. Good for you going strapless. Ain't nothing wrong with a little thickness, Miss Thing. People might salute when you wave thinking your arm fat is a flag but nothing a little bit of toning couldn't fix by Oscar time, right?

~~Best~~ WORST Is that The Rock in heels?

Mo-Mo. Listen. I woulda shaved your legs for free! Hell, your daughter on The Parkers hasn't been working- coulda called her. I shudder to think what your pits look like. Does your hubby get a passport stamp to South America when he goes down on you? 'Cause brother man must be a pro at bushwhacking on an Amazonian-level.

FAIL

2010-01-18T01:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Glenn,

Your show is called Damages, not SUN DAMAGES.

Foundation should match the tone of one's skin. Y'know, that stuff that you've obviously never applied sunscreen to in the 70's, 80's & 90's...that's your skin. Now that the 00's are over and you're probably like 60-something, maybe we should just put the girls away too since you've decided to make your face a completely different color anyway.

Do your thing though.

WILLAM

p.s. If you want to argue this point, I'm ready- 'Cause we ALL know you only got Kramer vs. Kramer because Aaron Spelling wouldn't let that one of the brunette Angel outta her contract. But don't let that hold you back

Editor note- loyal reader Skinny Arbuckle pointed out that Miss Close wasn't in Kramer vs. Kramer. But I'm SURE she wanted to be in it. So she's still the ass here.

EOY Footage

2010-01-16T10:06:00.001-08:00

And by footage, I mean the giant foot I shoved in my mouth.

To purchase the DVD, you can go to ClickClickExpose.com

I'd like to say that the organizers had no fault in my music. I still don't know what happened. You know there was drama because right after this, the beautiful girl running the whole show changed from four inch heels to sandals. Way to knock a bitch down, Willam. When a girl from Texas put on put on flats, you know she's punched that clock and is getting ready to throw elbows.

California EOY

2010-01-15T00:26:00.000-08:00

"EOY" is not a sound a birthing goat makes. It stands for Entertainer of the Year. It was a big drag ball I competed in at House of Blues and lost. But really, I was just there to prove to the town that I could do stuff live, not just on the boob tube.

My music didn't start right 4 times during part of a presentation so I just rode around on a segway doing stand up and cracking jokes. Best thing that could've happened in my opinion. From that, I got job offers hosting the very same pageants in two different states already & segments of next year's Cali EOY.

Funny enough, the day of the competition, I got a pamphlet for my dog Warner to participate in the California Saint Jamboree St. Bernard Rally. There were catergories like "Novice Bitch," "Open Bitch Long-Haired," & my favorite, "Bred Bitches"

And after being told by a drag queen named Jasmine who ass & hip pads were her cut-up old couch to move with a sentence that started with "I'm not going to tell you again...", I kinda think some of the drag queens may want to compete at the Jamboree. Where I come from- which is a place with union cards- the person coming OFF the stage has the right of way- not the person (or Novice Bitch) going onstage.

Oh- most importantly- look who got the lead pic in some press.

It's the coat that Carrie wore when she was runway roadkill in Sex & The City. I wasn't about to risk falling in that jinxed coat so I rode my Segway. Plus I wore Louboutins that I returned the next day to Neiman's scuff-free thanks to my ingenuity.

Comment Box

2010-01-09T01:46:00.000-08:00

I want to maybe give the police a suggestion. There's been tons of D.U.I. checkpoints all over LA. Instead of putting them near a Jack in the Box or Taco Bell at 2 a.m., I saw cops on Fairfax between Beverly & Melrose stopping people.

Now if you don't live in LA, that area is like super Hassidic Jew Central...and it was FRIDAY night...y'know-the night that hardcore Jewish folk don't drive cars so even if one was drunk, he'd be walking the non-sober Sabbath route home.

I dunno. Just a suggestion. Don't let Tranny McGuyver over here tell ya how to do your job.

Dear Drag Queen

2009-12-26T00:30:00.000-08:00

You see that horrified look on the person's face across from you? It's your fault. No. It's not because you're still doing the tired lip liner-doesn't-match-the-lip-thing. We know you're just going to eat your lip makeup off anyway now that your show's over.
It's because you reached into the back of your skirt, yanked something then dug into the front of your stockings.
You, messy drag queen, were kind enough to put whatever it was you were acquiring onto the floor beneath you.
Your fatal flaw, the one that caused the look of disgust on one of your late-night dining companions, was but for the fact that you REACHED FOR A NACHO OUT OF THE COMMUNAL CHIP BOWL.

How much tequila did you drink to think that this was OK?

Nasty Bitch. You almost ruined the guacomole and salsa. No one at the table asked for a side of Pico de dicktape.

Love,
WILLAM
p.s. This note is kinda a note-to-self. It's exactly what it is.

Dear Blanca,

2009-12-19T14:34:00.000-08:00

You've been helping me keep my house tidy for almost five years. I love you more than unnecessary organs like the pancreas.

But if you hide my Goo-Gone one more time on me, I'm going to learn Panamanian just so I can yell at your in your native tongue.

The Goo-Gone is kept under my bathroom sink for a reason. I spray it on my balls to get rid of any adhesive. While we're on the topic, stop moving the duct tape from my bra drawer to the garage. Just think of my closet as Homo Depot. Baby oil is for pussies. I need a friggin' man's solvent.

& Maybe you shouldn't consider my house a 4 bedroom since my closet is actually a converted bedroom. I mean God forbid you don't get to go on a 20 day cruise of the Mediterranean sea again this year. Just sayin...

I'm Kidding. You're my everything. Thank you for organizing my "chi-chis." That's what she calls my fake boobs (& i have like 10 different sets for different reasons)

Love,
Miss Williao.
(yes- that's how she spells my name on her calender. It's pronounced like the 80's movie with a little tamale thrown on top)

My Hole-a-Day show

2009-12-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

It's a rare occasion I do crap so this should be good.

The Boofonts have been on America's Got Talent and have written a funny little show. The venue has kick-ass margaritas too. What better way to celebrate Christmas, Chanukkah or Kwanzaa? None of that Winter Solstice Sandanista Wicca shit though. Keeping it Holy.

Click here for tix

I will tell you a thing or two about a Piece Of Shit or two

2009-12-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

My friend Fighting Mad Mary regulary does product reviews and it inspired me to get back in the game.

Introducing BumpIts.
Notice there's no "!" afterwards. That's because I'm less than thrilled with this product.

I tried it. It sucked. It's intended to be inserted under the crown of one's hair to achieve a higher profile in the back. It barely worked in a wig. I'm sure it's great for whores who have to lay down a lot and need to poof-up their 'do before hitting the block again. But my grandmother always said "Don't trust a woman who doesn't know how to backcomb." She kinda mumbled it because she talked with a ciggy but you get it. Teasing is essential

And even if you do get it to work, what if you're playing "I-love-it-when-you-call-me-big-poppa" from behind with your man? He yanks a bit (even though he knows he's not suppose to touch your hair) & then this p.o.s. falls out. He's gonna think you're a robot & pieces are needing to be sent in for warranty. Fucked up to scare your boy like that. No wonder if he thinks you should get implants.

The point is, this is God telling you that if you're not willing to do your hair, he and the rest of the holy family don't think you don't deserve the volume.

Hysterical Blindness

2009-11-29T17:34:00.000-08:00

Stevie Wonder had floor seats at the Laker's game last week. I think this is a clear sign his wife is fucking whoever is in charge of his money.
Also, it's time to let go of the cornrows. Your 6 relaxed hairs will thank you.

Not on Simmons' Watch

2009-11-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

If you are birkenstock-sporting hoe, you already have two strikes against you. One for each ugly shoe.
But if the nice Slimmons by Simmons counter lady at my exercise studio asks "what you lost" after you ask where the lost and found is, you ought to have the good sense to lie.

Because saying, "Oh, I just want to see if anyone left some shoes that I can wear for class" will make you look ghetto. And you're way too granola to be ghetto.

That's all. Oh wait. One more thing. Dreadlocks are for dorms or hot guys who play bass. Get thee to Supercuts.

Bristol be thy name

2009-11-12T17:27:00.000-08:00

I just did my first voiceover gig. I play Bristol. She's misunderstood and not the biggest fan of her moms.

Comedy Central likes it too apparently . Can't wait to see the whole thing!

I always wanted to be animated like Gem & The Holograms and this is the closest I've gotten so far.

Drag Mothers

2009-11-10T01:05:00.000-08:00

Every drag queen has a drag mother. Mine is LA's own Momma.

But i'd sell her up the river for a taste of these two.

Mismatchin' in the USA

2009-11-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

I'm doing THE MISMATCH GAME as Jessica Simpson this weekend. Dennis Hensley hosts this fun, funny, filthy show! Come SATURDAY 8pm or SUNDAY 7pm! Tickets $15. JUST SHOW UP and buy a ticket at the door - at the theater at the LA Gay & Lesbian Center.

The Gay & Lesbian Center is at 1125 N. McCadden above the tranny taco stand by Highland.
It used to be a hot wings stand but too many johns complained about their dates staining the seats with orange handprints.

You Guess/I Guess

2009-11-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

I proudly am a student at Slimmons, the exercise studio run by the king of fitness herself, Richard Simmons. It's barely in Beverly Hills but I consider it my dose of class for the weekend. The class is cardio and toning and he'll call you right out if you're not up to par. Today, my friend Cristina didn't have her her up and richard told her right out "there's no money on the floor girl. HEAD UP." That was nicer that when he told a woman that he could twirl her tits up like a Cinnabun before putting them in a brassiere.
Today, as evidenced below, was his Halloween class.

Now here's the fun part!
Richard Simmons went as a __________ for Halloween this year.

Is it
A)Gay Stringbean
B)Court Jester
C)Mardi Gras Ass Hat
D) ____? (reply in comment section)

I loathe, I loathe, I loathe my Calendar Girl.

2009-10-28T00:11:00.000-07:00

Jessica's back! She's the Frontiers inLA Calendar Girl for The Village Variety Pack show every other Monday @ The Village in Hollywood. Sure hookers leave assprints on cars there but the tickets are cheap enough that you can try out the local color afterwards.

Remember to get your tickets for The Mismatch Game (also available above on the Village link) Nov 7th & 8th. ~~I'll~~ Jessica'll see ya there!

My Letter to AnnaLynne (a.k.a Cutlet Shame!)

2009-10-21T14:33:00.001-07:00

Sweetness,
Vamp though you may, you don't have the titties for that dress.

How do I know?
Well babe- I can tell that what's poking out.
It is a silicone cutlet. Oh the shame of an errant cutlet. I'm not advocating anything crazy like eating but maybe a few eLBee's will help ya fill it out on your own?
And listen. I've been in this business for like months longer than you so If you're gonna have inappropriate things sticking out in your photos, go all out (see below, dearheart)

Love Willam.

Profiles in Greatness: Popper Claus

2009-10-08T12:22:00.001-07:00

Name: Popper Claus
Known Alias(es): Dirty Santa, Poppers the Clown, Cap'n Combover.

Popper Claus is a stripper's best friend/worst enemy. He tips but fails to remove his hand in a timely fashion, usually waiting for the dancer to assist, all while taking a gigantic whiff of poppers.

For you folks who don't know what 'poppers' are, it's an inhalant that heightens desires. Like if you want to make out with someone, you want to eat their face off; if you want to get fucked, you'll shove a floor lamp in yourself. Get it? Even if you still don't get it, knowing some of the brand names for this product are Jungle Juice or Greedy Pig kind of cements one's thoughts on it.

Popper Claus is a stealth individual, silently hunting for new boxmeat to prey upon. Newbies are slow to rebuff the rough amyl-nitrate burned hands from many years of spilled poppers. A permanent red mark on his lip from popper burn is covered by a scraggly beard and mustache. It's like poor people Retin-A. Chemicals scald, queens.
You can be certain a few empty bottles lie on his carmats. There's just enough room to wedge a driver in amongst all the trash (and yes-that is his actual car).

As much as this feels mocking in tone, I have to say that Popper Claus is a barometer for cool in this town. Want to find the hottest gogo boys in town? Just look for Popper Clause. I applaud him for not giving a shit that the beautiful, entitled crowd of WeHo shun his very presence. You know it's been a good night when his combover is sloppily sticking to his chin and his zipper is down for no good reason. So next time you're at a club, ask the cashier to count out twenty $1 bills and go on...let your inner Popper Claus out to lurk.

On TV tonight!

2009-09-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

I'm on the new Christian Slater show "The Forgotten" on ABC @ 10 tonight. I play the pivotal role of Drunk Guy. Better than Tranvestite #2 though right?

From Monday Sept 14th-Monday Sept21st, I've been in drag seven times. Had 6 auditions/callbacks, 3 shows and drove about 700 miles total. Up to Fresno, Long Beach twice.
The big heartbreak this week was not getting cast in a Cher/Christina Aguliera movie called Burlesque. They need a drag queen bouncer. I thought, "Perfect, I've been door-whorin' for years."
Turns out the director knows me even. But the part kept getting watered down. First it was a transvestite, then it turned into an Agnes Deyn/ androgynous Brit type; it finally ended with them wanting a male model kinda like Ziggy Stardust.
I mean seriously- It's a CHER movie. Put a fucking drag queen in it.

Things that go Bump Bump Bump

2009-09-15T00:56:00.000-07:00

I just found my camera with some more pics from when I was doing reshoots for Ticked Off Trannies With Knives in Texas.

One thing about Texas queens- They can paint their faces to withstand 117 degree heat and a wig. So it's no shock that their nose contour stays on despite snorting copious amounts of cocaine (none of the girls in my movie but I saw lots while there ;)

Sometimes, after blowing a man dressed as Mr Peanut on Halloween in Dallas, a certain queen may lock Mr Peanut out (apres nut, at least) him out of a condo in just boxers and call the police on him. It's his fault for not bring enough beer for the afterparty.
In Dallas, you can't buy liquor after like 10pm so they have what's called boosters. They bring you shit when you need it. Dining room sets, Mattresses, boy hookers for Tyler Perry, beer, speed. I know the 8th Commandment say stealing is bad but they didn't have evil like Walmart when Moses steno'd that stuff down.

Also, sometimes after afterpartying a bit too much, you come up with brilliant ideas. Like flossing with your own hair or eating ice.

Benneton will be optioning this photo if they ever decide to do a hemp line. Puff puff and fuck it fell in the pool.

Speaking of pools. Y'know how you go underwater and then sometimes like blow you nose and fling snot? Gross but we all do it right?

Well after wearing blue eyeshadow and glitter for 3 days for continuity sake, you start to blow it of your nose. I guess the eyebone connected to the nose bone or some shit.

My new gig

2009-09-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

I've been doing comedy shows and appearances as Jessica Simpson now for like 6 months. I know I don't sound especially like her but no one cares about how she sounds. I mean if they did, I'm guessing her albums would actually sell and she wouldn't get dropped from labels like a hot pa-titty.

What I really love though is the screencap above when it's not played yet. Sometimes you luck out with the screencapture at the beginning of the video that's gorgeous like the FunnyorDie one from 2 weeks ago. But this one makes me look like an inbred queen trying to suck her own chin. Kinda palsy-ish even.

Check out Vanitymark.com for cosmetics. Brett, the owner has especially hard to find shades for redheads and blonds- The dude does REBA, ya'll!

An open letter to ingenues

2009-08-31T00:18:00.001-07:00

Dear up & comer seeking guidance.

I just watched a contemporary of yours, a Miss Scout Taylor-Compton, in Halloween II.

I watched her cry ugly when she should've cried pretty. Did she think I really needed to see her damn uvula everytime she screamed 'cause she thought she'd die?

Listen, I get that the Michael Myers man killed your family and shit but does that mean you should really forgoe some eyeliner and blush? And sweetness, that hair...it looked like you were on your way to get your roots done but got sidetracked by a rape while on safari. We get it- You HAVE angst. Not brushing your hair and allowing faux dreads to form didn't work as a character choice.

And Don't you DARE tell me acting is about listening. That might be partially true until you're famous enough that they can digitally alter each frame to make you pretty. But until then -FOR YOU, Scout- acting is about knowing your chin looks like Mount Rushmore when you're lit poorly. Blowing the lighting tech may not be such a bad thing on your next film.

Acting is also about talking louder than your co-stars and slow turns so they can't cut mid-take.

I hope this helps anyone who wanted advice.

YOU'RE WELCOME!
Willam

My First Sex Tape

2009-08-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

My friend Rebecca Metz worked with Rebecca Gayheart on Nip/Tuck and basically said she was a cool chick who never pulled the diva card like Miss Kimber did on the show. Maybe that cool demeanor was from methadone or some other downer because she's since been photographed with a crack pipe and other drug paraphenilia.

She and her hubby, Eric Dane from Grey's Anatomy, made a weird chat tape with a discarded Hollywood girl named Carrie Anne. Her last name is really complicated and not worth looking up again (much like her). The footage can be seen here & there's some preview tape which'll also help you get prepared to watch my full uncut version below

Rebecca Gaylung, Dane Erickson, and Carrie Anne Naked Uncut Nude Video Parody - watch more funny videos

Here's my thing. If you're going to make a sex tape, you should at least all be on the same drugs. It's obviously Gayheart's on downers, McSteamy's coked up and Carrie Anne is just an all around put-whatevers-left-in-me type of gal. I mean she did date Aaron Carter

My favorite part is most of it was verbatim. I didn't have to even stretch my imagination muscle with Calpernia, my cohort. It was nice to be able to drink on a shoot and not worry about looking worse than the people we were spoofing, too

What that Annie bitch is always yelling about

2009-08-27T12:37:00.001-07:00

Will gogo boys ever learn to spell what comes after today?

I just got a text and it got on my nerves. I can understand an abbreviation like tmrw or whatev. But Tomorrow NEVER has an E, employs only one M and should never be spelled with a 2. I don't expect phD level learning here but a simple 2nd grade or above comprehension is always nice considering the lengths I go to to remain professional. I always try to look gogo meat in the eye while scolding them for not calling me back for shifts; even when naked with a pump apparatus strapped to them...and his name is Dick (not one part of that sentence is made up).

WANT MORE? Another gripe. Promoters who want guys to strip while wearing party hats...on their junk. Just because it's your birthday, doesn't mean a grown man should put his genitals in a cardboard Party City hat with a flimsy rubberband. Yes. You were born that day. Congratulations. It's called a birthday. Everyone's got one. In fact, it's not just your day. You share it because of the limit that the number 365 can stretch to.

I hope that was helpful. You're welcome.

Who Wore it Better: Headband

2009-08-14T00:51:00.000-07:00

Four weeks ago when filming Ticked Off Trannies With Knives, I decided to go for a Michelle Pfieffer-as-Catwoman meets Bret Michaels look. It was for the big climactic finale of the movie and I wanted a devil may care look with a touch of trantastic class.

Just THIS week, Victoria Beckham sat in on judging for American Idol.

Well here's my judgement you implanted bobblehead.

Get back on your side on the pond, Bitch. Everyone knows you were to the Spice Girls what Danny the monkey-looking dude was to N.K.O.T.B. Stop janking my look, soccer wife.

The reason why club workers aren't home RIGHT after work

2009-08-02T22:27:00.000-07:00

So many people who work in clubs have partners who wonder why they aren't home right after the clubs close.

Wonder they shant no more. Things happen. Fuck "things" actually. SHIT happens. Shit goes down.

Here's how my wednesday went.

Went to club with a hot gogo boy serving shots

...in a hot tub. God Bless my brilliant boss for providing this type of social lubrication. NO DIVING! Zeus the stripper is not certified for respiratory rescue.

So what do you think happens @ 2:15am when everyone who works at the club wants to go home & there's a mini pool on the patio? Some asshole worker decides to flip the tub and it's water all over the sidewalk. Great night to wear Converse Chuck Taylors.

To illustrate the real stupidity of it, meet some of the other club denizens hanging out that night.

Right to left: stripper Kris, a Ugandan queen who kept yelling about "where the ahftaaah-paaahty at" & a man on a Segway. Now correct me if I'm wrong but could the Segway dude be electricuted? I know my blender got fucked after it overflowed but maybe technology has advanced.

Now after this, things got crazy. Remember this photo shoot?

Well this ornery homeless lady walked by demanding a light. She then hugged my boss because he "smelled like detergent." At this point, I told her I'd make her a sandwich out of Bounce sheets if she'd leave us alone. The phrase Homeless Outreach
Program is kinda spot-on. I want the homeless out of reach. They can smell at times and b.o. is a buzz kill.

Now it's about 2:30ish and the sidewalk sale is over. The sidewalk sale (for my straight readers) is when the overlooked few make one last go at finding a trick for the night. This kid (the one on his knees) saunters up also wanting a light. Unlike Homeless Hagatha, he ain't going away. Takes his shirt on & off a few times before my friend opens his car door to light him up with his car lighter. At that point, my boss and I attempt to convince him into taking his pants off...across from the West Hollywood sheriffs station by the way. He is THAT high that he probably thought it would be cool.

So he does.

Funny thing- you'd think someone so chemically altered putting a cigarette by his genitals it would lead to another story. But nope. Karmically, he didn't burn himself. Only the ringleader of the group goading him into getting naked while we snapped pics.

We realized when it was getting close to 3am that this kid was outta control.

He hugged my boss below and I think you can tell by his reaction that first impressions can be lasting ones.

So memo to all you drug addicts wandering the street- Just because you do crack, doesn't mean you should smell like CRACK. Get some Axe body spray. Hell, if you hate how it smells after you use it, you can always huff it right?

Goodnight.

Checking in.

2009-07-31T18:15:00.000-07:00

You ever make stupid bets with yourself? I made a stupid one last night after drinking.

I bet myself that I could take off all the polish on my nails before I finished taking a leak. Admitedly, I usually use at least one hand while pissing but it's not a prerequisite.

OH! I was drunk too. That was the variable that made the house win in this wager. I mean even if I did win, it's like "woo hoo!" Not like it took any talent. But as the loser, I got to clean up urine.

I lost and my cuticles burned from the acetone. Fucked up my bathmat too.

Mismatch Game pt. II

2009-07-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

Come see me in The Mismatch Game at the Renberg Theater on Friday 7/24 @ 8pm, Saturday 7/25 @ 8pm or Sunday 7/26 @ 7pm. Only $15!

Click HERE for tickets

If you need a refresher on what exactly this show is, g'head and Click this shit.

Hope to see you there or at least pretend to see you there because the glare of the lights (& fame) makes it impossible to discern individual's faces.

Things I Learned in Texas

2009-07-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

I expected Texas to be more country than well...section 8-ey. All the girls & crew I worked with were the exception to this. Nothing but drawls/accents that just wanna make you take your panties off & hand em over. None of the trans girls/drag queens in it are hookers either. No trading skiball tickets for some assplay.

For your consideration, may I submit the forest green limo that was for sale in my motel's parking lot?

Wanna hear some disease slang? If someone has a House In Virginia or an Apartment In Delaware w/ Stairs, you definitely wanna grab a rubber.

Can anyone guess what this is?

here's a hint-
Fog machines sound exactly like hot fajitas sizzling! Especially when you're hungry and your asshole is taped shut because your dress is made outta half a yard of fabric. (if you guessed it was my dicktape- YOU WIN! I use a stretch adhesive vinyl). Speaking of food, there were like tons of oyster and seafood bars. Kinda unsettling when the nearest ocean is like 8 hours away, no?

Sunscreen is a necessity in Dallas.

Obviously, it was not a control top day. The term REDNECK actually refers to country folk being outside and getting sunburned necks. I didn't know that.
My face below I think particularly displays my ignorance and re-education to all the above matters.

I fly back for some additional shooting in the upcoming weeks and will have more info then to post about release dates, cast, etc...

Road to the Altar

2009-07-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

So I filmed a day on what turned into the little web series that could.
It's all about a Jewish bride marrying a hot African American guy played by Jaleel White (who's so past the Urkel thing).
There's only 2 episodes I'm in but they were funny enough that they were shown at the premier out of all 12. We've also been featured on Entertainment Tonight and Huffington post. Huffington post always sounds like it's about puffin birds to me or something but it's not. Below is my v-log/videoblog wrap up interview as Jamie, the wedding party outfitter. I wrote it, too.

Check it out on youtube and subscribe to it please.
www.roadtothealtar.com

Pocket Dialing Fun

2009-07-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

Since my name begins with a W, I'm the last person in many people's phones. Do you know any Xander's, Yadi's or Zeb's? Yea. No (unless your a vampire, Cuban or Mormon right?) I get a lot of calls from people sitting on their phones wrong or whatever
So today I get a pocket dial from a gogo boy. If you think it's wrong that I listened until it hung up, you're reading the wrong blog by the way.

So here's the transcription.

"I haven't been doing it for that long again. I relapsed when he died last week. My family was cruel to me and Michael was my only comfort when I was young before I found drugs."

editor note: OH MY GOD. he's talking about Michael Jackson i think.

"you want another hit? Let me do that. Yea. Like that."

editor note: I literally put my hand over my mouth to contain my laughter and looked around to see if anyone was watching like i was doing something wrong.

Ok...next- imagine what a pig would sound like trying to eat a watermelon? That's the closest thing I could think of before I realized someone was sucking this dancer's cock while his phone was in his pocket. I felt like a baby in the womb listening to his mother suck a dick.

Hopefully, I'll be able to apply this moment in a scene study class or somehow incorporate it into my work when needed.

It's accenting something...

2009-06-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

Accent walls are for lazy people. Shut off HGTV, get some blue fucking tape & do the whole goddamn room. Fuckin fat lazy Americans. Does the Louvre or like Buckingham Palace have an accent wall? No.
So finish painting all 3 other walls. No stops for Chocolate 1-point Weight Watcher Bars.

Gogo Dancing thru the Tears

2009-06-16T01:32:00.000-07:00

Dear stupid porn star who called me "mean" after I cut them off @ the bar while working for me,

I've seen customer put canes, actual devices used to help with their handicap, inside you. Just the tip but it's not the kind of activities appreciated in @ 11pm on a west hollywood gogo box. Maybe at an afterhours party east of vermont. they go for that shit in Silverlake. dirty fuckers.

I've seen you get so drunk, you think it's OK to sleep in the DJ booth during your breaks. FYI...it's not called "sleeping" if you're napping thru Lady Gaga. It's called passing out.

I almost felt bad the last time I had to fire you. You begged to work the rest of the night so you could afford cab fare home. Didn't quite get to that guilt place though over it because the only reason you couldn't drive like a normal person is your pesky D.U.I.'s.

So if when you're crying in the dressing room, don't tell people it's because I'm mean. You're crying because you're too drunk to control your emotions.

Or maybe that acidic stuff they shot up your ass to get rid of your HPV is making your ladypart burn and you're in pain. Glad you're able to do your films again though.

Oh and p.s. You're not a porn star. You're a porn employee. Stars are people like Jenna Jameson or Tera Patrick or Francois Sagat. Stars are the few unreachable entities. You're definitely well within reach. Please refer to that first paragraph if you're going to attempt to dispute that fact.

We got a 10-29 on a PopTart. Please advise

2009-06-11T13:30:00.001-07:00

First we had young gogo JC forgetting how to use a phone when he injured his ankle.

Appliances continue to mystify it seems.

My Boyfriend came home from a club @ 2:30 on a weekday. I was on the couch with a full view of the kitchen, which he went into directly to make himself every drunks best friend- a nice, warm strawberry PopTart.

While waiting for his pastry treat, he went upstairs to charge his phone.
I yelled up to him that it was done when the tart popped up.

Boyfriend came back into the kitchen and opened the microwave. I'm thinking "wtf?"
Boyfriend then turned around and pointed at me like I was Hester Pryne in Scarlet Letter and said "you stole my PopTart!"

Do you think Boyfriend got so drunk and forgot I was an actor? Doesn't he know SAG doesn't let you eat carbs after 7pm?

Or maybe he was just drunk enough that he forgot which appliance is used for which application. I just pray he didn't try to take his contacts out with his electric toothbrush.

this shit writes itself

2009-06-04T22:50:00.000-07:00

Today I have to audition for a Jimmy Dean Sausage campaign in drag.

Trannies and meat byproducts. Again with the insert joke here tag.

I'll update everyone to let you know how it went.

*UPDATE*

So it was totally fun. It's a new installment in this series of commercials
Jimmy Dean Sausage Commercial

I hope I book it. But if not, I can just call and complain like this guy. Best part is at the end!

Plus 1 to the extreme

2009-05-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

I've been in a few mags this month but this takes the "+ 1'ing" I've been getting to an extreme. Just me and a famous person. Nothing special on my part....

other than me looking so real girl passable you'd think I bleed monthly. Thank you Us Weekly.

Your Local Watering Hole Hoe

2009-05-22T00:40:00.000-07:00

I have a new favorite bartender at MJ's Bar, one of my favorite spots to book dancers.

Jason's pretty awful to look at huh?

He made me a wonderful shot last night. It had Jaegarmeister, peach schnapps and cranberry juice. It's called a "redheaded slut." No...I'm not gonna make a Lindsay Lohan joke.

When I went back for another, he made the same thing with a little twist. Instead of making it a shot, he made it a full drink by throwing the shot on top of half a glass of soda.

So it was a redheaded slut on coke.

Ok. now we're ready. Cue the Lohan joke...

Willam's Word of the Day

2009-05-21T13:38:00.000-07:00

HOMOPHONE (noun)- words that sound alike but are spelled differently.

Example: I stopped into 7-11 for some Baked Lays and saw new dancer JC getting laid.

I know those words aren't exactly alike but the fact that he was getting his balls sucked in a parking lot that was not nearly secluded enough @ 2:30am combined with the instance of my major gayness, it truly puts the homo in homophone.

But speaking of phones, the same JC from 7-11 flaked on a shift last month. I gave him another shot because well you see right?

Cut to this week & JC flakes on me again because he "sprained his ankle." JC said he went to the hospital because he rolled it so bad. He didn't let me know though so I lost my booking fee. Up until this point, I had no clue that he didn't use his hands to telephone people like most of the population.

I honestly hope he never hurts himself again. Like what if JC hurts his knee and then all of a sudden tries to make a pop tart with his dick?

I had no idea that injuries to extremities inhibits one's use of everyday appliances.

Worst Weave of the Week pt. II

2009-05-18T18:36:00.001-07:00

We haven't had a Worst Weave of the Week award since the 1st in 2007. Even awards are being sacrificed because of the damn economy.

But I could not let this little terror go unnoticed.

Tara Reid (who I was with when she was STAGGERINGLY drunk at a party for my big break movie American Wedding-which she wasn't even in) has ruined her career in Hollywood with drinking, partying & poor choices. That being said, she's a sparkling example of how to make New Jersey still throw you parades when you go home.

But here's a thought. Travel with a battery operated flat iron. Because c'mon Tara- you know they're going to announce last call @ like 1:40am and by 2am, you're going to be breaking out in a cold sweat from lack of liquor in your system. Then your real hair (y'know that stringy stuff you bleach) will start to stick to your perspiring neck, forehead & face and get curly.

Your next career stop should be Discovery Channel's Myth Busters so they can figure out how you manage to stand upright while making your next straigh to DVD flick.

GoGo Hit & Run

2009-05-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

On weekends or busy dates, I confirm each dancer for their individual shift through a quick text message. For instance, last saturday, I had 22 shifts- 2 guys @ Hamburger Mary's Long Beach, 2 guys @ Faultline in East LA, 3 guys/1 girl @ MJ's in Silverlake, 6 guys @ Here Lounge in West Hollywood, 4 guys @ Eleven in West Hollywood & 4 guys @ Numbers in WeHo. That last spot, Numbers, is actually a restaurant with four star cuisine that hires my dancers as "hosts" to mill about in classed up underwear. Very Playboy bunny club. Encourage liquor sales, get tips. They wear briefs with a vest, speedo with suspenders or a tie. Business cazhj if your business is porn.

So Friday night, I stopped by Numbers. Randomly, one of the guys I had booked there, Trent, had told me he had just broken up with his roommate/boyfriend Brent days before. Well who should I run into leaving Numbers but Brent? Now Brent used to work for me but his partying, flakiness, & fluctuating weight (when he got off the drugs) led to he & I not working together. Brent looked great and told me that he & Trent had gotten back together. I'm like "that was quick." Brent explained how Trent was the love of his life and would like to start working for me again. I said "Abs?" & he pulled up his shirt to reveal..well look below. He's hot. So I booked Brent for the next night @ MJ's.

Come Saturday morning, when I try to confirm 17 dancers for their shifts, I ran into some trouble. One of my MJ's guys has an aunt in the hospital who doesn't speak English & he can't work. OK- No sweat. Family. I understand. So I replace him. Then I find out after Numbers Friday night, Brent & Trent broke up again. Betcha didn't see that coming, right?!

Apparently, either Brent or Trent was driving Trent's car on their way to an afterhours. An argument over whether they knew the address escalated when Trent decided they should just call it a night. Kicks to the head followed, punches were thrown & someone was choked. On the upside, sounds like someone was being a responsible driver using a hands free device to talk while operating a vehicle because otherwise it would be hard to be choked with a hand by your ear. But blue-tooth be damned in this case.

Trent got outta the car (I always tell my boys "just remove yourself from the situation"- like the lady in Mermaids- "Know your fabrics & your colors"). Brent says Trent was hitting him through the window while trying to drive away. Trent say Brent ran him over. Factually though, Brent did hit another car & then a house during his escape efforts. Brent pulled a Halle and hightailed it outta there & Trent got taken to a hospital where he was treated for minor injuries.
I've gotten different accounts from different people but I can only come up with pity and confusion.

So Brent will not be at MJ's tonight because "too many people know he's gonna be there"- his words. He knows leaving the scene is not good and will turn himself in but his rationale is "well I'll just sit in jail all weekend so why not do it monday." Spoken like someone who's enjoyed but abhored prison sex before.

Replacing Trent at his shift tonight makes sense too because he's got head dressings for his wounds that make him look like he's in a turban. While that kinda look may fly at Club Nur @ Eleven on Thursday for Gay Persian Night, the folks at Here Lounge won't love it. Domestic violence sucks.

Now I understand this is just a fight between two boyfriends but I still have to butt my nose in to be fair. I can understand that you're very high and having a passionate argument with your boyfriend, but I draw the line at trying to run over my other employees.

I hope this gets sorted out but if they get pissed for me writing this, I say "oh well." Someone just may end up in jail. Hopefully the gay section because it's nicer & they have board games.

Boxmeat- dried and/or cured

2009-05-15T02:51:00.000-07:00

One of this blogs readers asked me today about why I still do my gogo dancer booking business even with my acting career going well (apparently you think I'm Sharon Stone & I thank you).

Yea uuuhm. NO. 'Cause I'm gonna voluntarily give up being around naked men every week to do Into the Woods in El Segundo or some shit? Seriously, I'm never gonna give up my Boxmeat business. In 5 years, I may be on stage somewhere saying "I'd like to thank the Academ...shit I gotta go to the Faultline- a dancer got robbed while jerking off on a pool table and then the drunk robber dude fell into a fire pit."

I probably wouldn't say all that (even though it did happen). Shout out to Ace Sinclair who handled it as well as any porn star. I do love Ace though. He's quit the biz but continues to be hot unlike many bareback porn ~~stars~~ employees.

But yea. Don't ask me if the dancers are a pain the ass. They never are. Except when I ask for it rough. I actually had a gogo boy go to online traffic school for me too. How amazing is that? My goal is to have them all know their times tables by July.

By the way...If anyone knows any publishers (other than Alyson who already told me I'd need an actual plot), I'm looking to publish all my stories about the dancers. Plus i own the copyright to many a picture. I think of it as a really hot picture pop-up book. You just provide the pop up yourself.